Thursday, October 20, 2011

A vision

I keep waiting for that moment of clarity. A moment that I know won't come until I am holding Aidan in my arms again, but the naive side of me keeps waiting. I told a friend tonight I am having a hard time letting go and letting God.

I think I thought "his vision" would come with a big sign attached and full detailed directions on how to map out the plan. Each day I am learning that it comes in a gentle breeze, the glow of the setting sun or even just in the silence. Silence. Some mistake it for him not listening. I'm beginning to think we are the ones who don't listen.

God had a purpose for Aidan long before I even knew there would be an Aidan. He knew I would be tested. He knew I would doubt. He knew I would need to hear the story of yet another Thomas. The infamous doubter. So, that in moments like this week I would have something to cling to. The knowledge that it is ok to doubt and question. Because he is there and he is listening. He will answer me. I just have to be willing to see or hear it. Especially when it's not the answer I necessarily want.

I like to believe God chose the name Thomas for our son because through this journey, we will learn about believing God without seeing. (John 20:24-29) We are learning that being faithful doesn’t mean not feeling doubt or fear. Faith is believing God’s promises, clinging to His truth anyway, when you’re most afraid and filled with doubt and questions…still believing when the answer is not what you want to hear or when there seems to be no answer at all.

It is in these moments that we find the truth in his grace. The power of his glory. The strength of his love that carries us through. And in which allows us to share our story and possibly change someone elses. I found out tonight that I am going to have a major opportunity to share our story more than I could have ever imagined. God's vision is in motion.

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