Life Line

28 weeks. That's how far along I am supposed to be today. And to be honest, today has been rough. Really rough. All day I have questioned. How big would you be? How big would I be? Would you be already be here, but in the NICU had we known? Would I be on bed rest trying to give you more time?

Seven weeks tomorrow. Seven weeks. How is that even possible? It has been the longest seven weeks of my life. Yet, at the same time I feel like its flying by and you are getting more and more in the past for everyone else.

I feel like there is this hole. This grand canyon of a gaping hole that didn't exist until seven weeks ago. And as each week goes by more and more people are moving to the other side of this hole. What happens when it is just me on this side?

The hole is the part of my heart you stole sweet boy. Now, its filled with daily tears, my dreams for you, and my fears of what is to come. I can't walk around the hole. I can't build a bridge. Each day I am trying to find my way through it. Each day I feel like I'm going to drown. And then a life line appears.

By the grace of God alone, I am able to get back up in the morning and try all over again. No matter what the night brings, no matter how bad of a day, no matter how awful the dreams, the sun rises. And I think of you. And I smile. That may very well be the only smile of the day, but when I see that sun rising I think of you. And I smile.