Saturday, May 26, 2012

What it means to have carried you.

Spring of 2011 was pretty rough on me. I had been diagnosed with gastroparesis. I had had a minor surgery. Every 30 days brought a new cocktail of medications. I'd had a severe kidney infection from E. Coli.

On Thursday May 26th, my blood pressure sky rocketed. My pulse was high. Something was just very off. It took Mom, Ev and the girls at work to convince me to go to the ER. So there we sat. They had me hooked up to cardiac monitors. Dad was on his way.

The Dr walked in and made Ev and Mom leave. I was sure she was going to tell me I was having a heart attack. Instead, she told me I was pregnant.

Every monitor in the room went off. Mom and E came back. Mom could tell by the look on my face. Evan didn't speak for two days I think. To say we were shocked was an understatement.

I was carrying our first child.

I have never cherished or loved my body as much as I did that summer. I was amazed at every change. I couldn't believe it was finally my turn. I was immediately a mom. Until we knew the sex, the baby was our Olive. We joked that it would have to be Oliver or Olivia. As my bump grew, the love for this child just intensified. It wasn't just me. There were so many who loved and doted on us. So many were so excited to get to meet our sweet one.

We never imagined how it would end. How can you?

I went to the ER that day thinking something was wrong with my heart.

Instead my heart was changed.

It started to love. It had to feel all of that love so that I could survive the loss to come.

I will never ever regret carrying Aidan.

And even though my arms are empty, I still carry him.

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you   

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Where am I headed?

Good days.
Bad days.
Lonely days.
All about Aidan days.
Hopeful days.

Each and every day takes effort.

Each day is leading to somewhere on this journey.

I met another momma today on this journey.
Aidan's legacy has spread far enough that others are turning Momma's to our story.

Nine months ago, all I was trying to do was survive. Trying to figure out a way to live without Aidan, but keep him present in our lives. I know. It doesn't make any sense. It's what I had to do though. And today, someone described me as able to keep him alive.

I know that he is gone. Trust me. I know. I have the empty aching arms to remind me all the time. However, his name is spoken. His face is adored. His life means something.
And that means everything.

I have to summon every ounce of courage to put on that ok face most days. Days like today are easier. Sharing his story with another mom, sharing his story with people who are on a mission, sharing his story which inspires people to go outside their comfort zone. That is my comfort zone. Because I am actively being a mom.

People are starting to know Aidan. They know me because of Aidan.

I will never be ok with the fact that he died.

I am forever grateful that I am his mom.

This Saturday is the anniversary of the day I learned there would be an Aidan. The day my heart shifted. The day the reality that I would be a mom started.

I have no idea where tomorrow will take me.

All I can ask. All I can pray:
Is for it to lead me to the cross.


Friday, May 18, 2012

Jealous of the angels

What a day.
Today I witnessed great strength, passion, determination.
I also witnessed the cruelest forms of ignorance.

Dead Baby Photos. Dead Baby Card.

Two phrases being tossed around by people who have no idea what it means to bury your child.

It doesn't matter if your child is born in a hospital, at home, or in dirt. If that baby dies, you blame yourself. As its mother, you question everything. The last thing you need is someone who has no knowledge of your experience telling you that it is your fault. We do that enough. The last thing we need is someone reaffirming it. And just so it's clear, every single Mom that I have met over the last eight months, it was NOT their faults. They got dealt the same crappy hand I did.

There is a woman who took six mothers and their stories and assigned them all dead babies cards. Blaming them for their children's deaths.
And people backed her up.
I couldn't even read the entire article through the tears. Angry tears.

And then this happened....

We rejoiced. Our local news ignored the taboo and made it their top story.

And then the idiots started talking. And it down right made my blood boil.

Dead Baby Photos. Spectacle. Offensive. Something that should remain private.

I carry Aidan's photos with me everywhere I go. Just on the off chance that someone anyone would want to see them. Because I am PROUD of my little boy. And while I am so very sorry that his photos may offend you, they are all I have. They are all I will ever have and I will not apologize for being proud of him. I will not hide him in shame because someone is afraid of death. I will not let them just be dead baby pictures. Because he is MY CHILD.

I am protective of him. I wish I had half the courage that Grayson's family has. They did not intend for Grayson's pictures to go public. They just wanted to share him in the same manner that they get to share their other children. And people are faulting them for this!  I am so afraid that someone will not see Aidan for what he is and instead will turn their head or think its strange. I am so afraid that someone will reject my child.

I will fight to the end for Aidan, Grayson and all the babies. They all deserve to be loved and honored. And as their parents we deserve to be encouraged and respected. You don't have to agree. You don't have to look at the pictures. You also don't have to discredit our child's life (no matter how short) either. It's called compassion. It's called grace. It's called love.

Tonight is a night that makes me thankful that Aidan is safe. He will never witness this part of the world. He will never be afraid or hurt by others. He is safe with the angels. I'm so so jealous of those angels though...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to one of the most dedicated mothers I know. Aidan is as blessed to have you as you are to have him.

Happy first mommy's day Tara Bear! I know Aidan is sending kisses to you!

I hope this was a joyful Mother's Day, where you felt at peace knowing your angel was smiling at you.

Love you!

Happy Mother's Day! I know it is hard to celebrate without A in your arms. Your sweet angel wants you to celebrate being his amazingly strong and courageous mommy! You are such an inspiration to so many people, you have more strength than an army!

Happy Mother's Day to you! You are a beautiful woman whose heart is filled with magic and love! You quite simply amaze me! I'm sure this isn't how you imagined you first Mother's Day, but you are a beacon of light and pillar of faith. God has amazing things in store for you. He chose a true loving mothers for the mission he has you on. Continue as your have. I am truly amazed. Much love and Christ's peace to you today!

Happy Mother's Day Tara. I just want you to know that I think you had the heart of a mother long before Aidan came. You were a mom the day you showed up at ACH without being asked so he could have someone there for him...even though he didn't even know what was going on, and the day you held him because I couldn't. Aidan has the best mommy in the world. Just know he is very proud of you today. So celebrate being your son's mom and do it proudly, because I don't know anyone who deserves it more than you. Love you!!!

Sending a special Happy Mother's Day to one of the best Momma's I know!

Happy Mother's Day Tara! I know I don't know you well, but I have followed your story from day one and you have such an inspiration to me after the loss of my baby in March 2010. I think about you often. All of your blog post always hit so close to home like you took the feelings right from me! I don't know where are you are in your journey as far as trying again but I will pray for you always. I feel so blessed right now but the worry never ends. It's definitely been a roller coaster! You are one of the strongest woman and what you're doing for your little boy is truly incredible. Thank you for being so open and sharing your feelings with the world. You're probably touching more lives than you'll ever know. Again, Happy Mother's Day.

Happy Mothers Day to the toughest mommy I've ever met. Love you.

Happy mommy day to you sweet friend. Xoxo.

Happy Mother's Day, Tara. I hope today is just what you need it to be. Love you.

I really wasn't sure what this day would bring. The days leading up to it were agonizing. Full of memories, full of the dreams that will never be, lots and lots of tears.
The day itself was just numbing. That's the only word I know to describe it. The tears didn't fall like I thought they would. The emotions didn't break through. I just fumbled my way through the day. The above statements were sent to me throughout the day. These were instances that insured that I took that next breath.
I didn't expect anything from the day. I didn't expect anything from anyone. I just hoped that someone/anyone shared an ounce of compassion. Between the hugs at church, the cards from Em, Mom and Ev, and the above love I got just that.
It is a day that is unlike any others. They are all hard. This one for a different reason. Christmas, birthdays, Easter. All days about family. Aidan's absence is felt, but its not the focus. This day was entirely focused on that. Each of the 1440 minutes in the day were about him and how he wasn't there.

Thankfully, I was able to smile and remember the moments he was.

And that made my first mother's day perfect.

When I’m all alone
or in a crowd.
In a quite place
where musics loud.
When I’m on the road
or in the other room.
That’s how you know
I’m thinking of you.
Where the flowers grow
where the leaves turn brown.
Where the sun is hot
where the snow falls down, down.
Where the clouds are gray
and the sky so blue.
That’s how you know
I’m thinking of you.

 I’m thinking of you
that’s all i do, all the time.
You’re always the first and the
last thing on this heart of mine.
No matter where i go or what I do
I’m thinking of you.
And the memory of
who I used to be.
What I cared about
before you came to me…baby
Every selfish thought
all I thought I knew.
Has been replaced
with thinking of you.
Always thinking of you….yes I am……
~Dierks Bentley

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

All because of this

Why do we do the things we do
How can we sing when there seems no reason to
How do we smile when there's not much to smile about
When the world is down who are we to stand and shout

It's all because of this
It's all because of this
We've tasted love, tasted hope, tasted holiness
  • Because he changed everything for me.
  • Because I am his voice.
  • Because I miss him with every ounce of my being.
  • Because he matters.
  • Because he lived.
  • Because he died.
  • Because there is a promise that I will see him again.
  • Because of him, I am moving mountains (even if it is only a spoonful at a time.)
  • Because I found my voice.
  • Because he inspires such strength.
  • Because he weighed 14.6 ounces.
  • Because he was 10 5/8 inches long.
  • Because his heart beat.
  • Because he never took that first breath.
  • Because he inspires others.
  • Because he has drawn my family so close together.
  • Because he is the daily reminder of what life is really about.
  • Because of him, I treasure each and every day.
  • Because of him, the highlight of this day was giving Carter a bath.
  • Because Carter knows they are Aidan's feet.
  • Because of all the mothers that I now call friends.
  • Because our children are friends in heaven.
  • Because I cannot stop the next mother from joining this club.
  • Because one day an Incompetent Cervix will not be a death sentence.
  • Because one day I will hold another child in my arms.
  • Because they will know they have an older brother.
  • Because he is amazing.
  • Because he has done more in eight months than I could have ever done in my own lifetime.
  • Because I see him in his Daddy.
  • Because people don't understand.
  • Because people keep trying.
  • Because he made me a mother.
  • Because he changed it all.

Because of him.


Friday, May 4, 2012

It's finally here.

In less than 10 minutes another mountain will begin to budge.

Today was very heavy. It was very emotional. It was eight months. It was the first month I thought I was pregnant this time last year. That has brought with it so many emotions.

I spent the evening with one of my oldest/closest friends. We talked, we giggled, we crafted. I was able to talk about Aidan, where I am on this journey and where I want to go.

I am in a place of trying to balance all the aspects of this new normal. I am expected to be past certain points of grief. I'm feeling pressure to be who some need me to be.

That's a lot of weight. That's a lot of expectations for this people pleaser.

And now, I sit on the couch watching the clock obsessively. At 12:01, it is Jenna's third birthday. It is also the birthday for Still Standing Magazine. This amazing opportunity that is going to change the outlook on pregnancy, infant loss and infertility. No longer will it be a hush hush taboo subject.

We will be allowed to grieve and heal together. It's amazing. I simply cannot wait.


Happy Birthday Sweet Jenna. I know you are having a fabulous birthday. Send lots of butterfly kisses to your mommy on this day.'s live. It's up. It's waiting for all of you!

I sincerely hope that you will go and find something that tugs at your heart. Anything that gives us all the courage to stand up straighter and talk just a little louder.

Because we are all Still Standing. And if I'm not standing, its because I am kneeling. Giving thanks for all that Aidan is and all that he is doing.
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