Endless love

Grief. Everyone does it differently. And that's ok. I talk. I have to get out the emotions. The more I bottle it up the more I feel like I'm drowning. Bre found some words that perfectly match what I haven't been able to say. Sometimes because I am afraid of what others will think. Mostly because I am afraid that no one is listening. It seems the loss of a child makes people uncomfortable. I think it's because of the fear of it happening to them. There seems to be a mentality of if we don't talk about it, its not as sad, scary or huge. Well, that's not me. I'm not going to apologize for it though. Aidan is too much a part of me. And I have too much to say....

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask ‘why?’
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

I may put on my brave face. On the outside I am doing everything I can to show my strength, but on the inside I am hurting beyond words. There are moments where I am lost and feel broken. That's when I turn to Isaiah 40. Beth keeps pointing me to these verses. Standing at Aidan's grave and hearing them shifted something in me. Listen and see if you can hear it.

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I will always miss him. I will always tear up when I think of what we didn't get to do together. He will always be my son. I will always love him. And through that I will always have hope. I will rely on my faith. Because a mothers love is endless.