A letter to Aidan

It has taken me all night to be able to figure out how to describe today. I went back to work today. The only way I know to describe it, is to tell Aidan so here goes.

Aidan,

Sweet boy. I went back to work today. I was anxious about today. Secretly, I was hoping it would be what everyone had been me telling it would be. A distraction. The next step on our journey. Good for me.

I don't know if any of those things apply to today, but I do know one thing. You were there. Every single second of the day, you were there. It was in this building that I knew something was off about my body and decided to go the ER that Thursday afternoon. That's the day I found out you existed! The parking lot was where I first said I'm going to be a mom! In my chair was the first time I ever felt you kicking and playing. The little tickles were such a magical day. I just sat there and cried. And it was as I walked out of this building on yet another Thursday afternoon that someone looked at me and said "Wow, your little boy is really growing! He'll be here before we know it!" Little did we know that next Sunday would be your birthday.

So you see little one. There is so much of you wrapped up in "work." So pulling back into that parking lot, walking into that building, sitting in my chair and looking at so many people that literally watched you grow was more than I could ever explain.

I was your connection to the world. In the short time we had together we did so much! We got Vossie married, we took trips with friends, daddy and even just the two of us one weekend. I told you everything. I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to tell you so much. I told you stories from my childhood, I told you funny stories about the family you were being blessed with, I wanted you to know everyone immediately when you got here. I told you my secrets, my fears, my dreams. I told you the love story of your dad and I. I played you all of my favorite songs and even watched Gone with the Wind with you. All things that I thought I would get to do with you again. I am so thankful I did these things in the short time we did. We fit a lifetime of memories in such a short time.

I was so worried that you would want to spend all of your time with your dad. Hunting, fishing, playing soccer. All the things boys love. I had no idea how right I was. I just misunderstood which father you would be with.

You are so lucky. You never knew anything, but love. You'll never know anything other than the joy of heaven. You will never know the evils of this world. And in what will seem like seconds to you, we will be together again. That is my peace. That is my joy.

And that is why I will get up tomorrow and go back to work. I will hold tight to the memories I have of you. I will be the mom I promised you all those times I would be. Because, it doesn't matter where I am, who I am with or what I am doing, I will always be thinking of you. I will always love you.

I have been listening to the lyrics of Sidewalk Prophets song "The Words I would Say." At first I heard them as if your Aunt Staci was talking to me. Then I imagined me saying them to you. A lot of them I did say to you. And then, this afternoon after a day I could only say I survived, I heard them again. Only this time, you were talking to me. You were telling me.

You have taught me so much. You changed everything about me. God chose us as your parents for a reason. I will rejoice in that and for you until I get to run to you and sweep you up in my arms again. That night we had together I held you, sang to you, kissed you, memorized you and fell head over heels in love with you. One day I will get to do these things again. I'm not sure of most things these days but, of this one thing I am sure. And that gets me through. The image of you in Jesus' arms gets me through.

So, you keep playing. You keep entertaining everyone as I know you have such a big personality. You keep being everything you were meant to be. I'll keep following God's will and fulfilling our purpose here. I'll keep loving you without end.

With all that I am, with all that I have, I love you.

Momma