Saturday, August 18, 2012

Step by Step

A week ago, we recorded an Interview for a local radio station.

Aidan's story was shared. His name was spoken.

This past week, we were interviewed on a local new station.

Aidan's story was shared. His name was spoken. Aidan's perfect face was shown on live TV.

And tonight. Tonight I placed an order. I ordered cards that I hope you will help me distribute.

Aidan's birthday is rapidly approaching. I want it to be big. I want it to be a celebration. I want it to make a difference. I want it to touch people beyond my limited scope. I want complete strangers to be affected by Aidan's life. And from this desire an idea was born:

Aidan's Hope

Our hope is that you will allow us to share Aidan and what he has come to mean to all of us. He has had such an impact in the past year. He has changed everything. We are now hoping that he will change others who do not know him. Let's take the first steps towards literally changing the world. We have been blessed with so many opportunities to share our little boy. I love the idea of sharing him in a way that will have a positive impact for others.

I cannot wait to see how far they go, the good they inspire and the people he brings together.

I have ordered the cards and they should be here next week hopefully. My plan is to get them out to you, so that we can actually kick of Aidan's birthday with the first good deeds. I cannot think of a more special way to celebrate the day that changed everything.

Monday, August 13, 2012

“Faithful friends are gifts from heaven: Whoever finds one has found a treasure.”

The past year has been the biggest, hardest, most emotional year of my life.

Surviving it has not been easy. Living it has been even harder.

Thankfully, in the same breath, I have been blessed with the people in my life. People who have always been there, people who were on the outskirts, but stepped up when I needed it, and the people who entered my life just because of Aidan.

Among these are my Sew Sisters. My beloved sisters who have a passion for making a purpose. Women who have walked this same path. Women who encourage one another to take that next chance, step or breath.

We stand up for one another.

And in this past week, we have had to stand up, lean on, bow down, and just hang on.

One of our sisters has left this earthly life.

In a split second that just hasn't ended yet, it all changed.

To say that our hearts are broken, is an understatement. A piece of our world is gone.

I can't even find the words to describe the importance she played to all of us. All I have is what she meant to me. I'm the newbie to the group. I'm the one still in the freshness of grief. I'm the one who can't sew! Treasure took me in. She enveloped me in her light. She allowed me to laugh until I cried and then cry until I laughed. She called. She texted. She believed in me.

She was this pillar of strength. She stood tall for all of the moms. She loved with every fiber of her being.

I remember our conversations with such clarity. One in particular. She asked me about Aidan. She wanted to know his story. And in the process, she answered questions I didn't even know I had. She gave me so much peace and comfort. And at the end, as we both cried and smiled and oohed and aahed. She hugged me and whispered, "You are so brave. You have so much courage. You and your little boy are going to make a difference. Keep talking, sharing, writing."

It has taken me a week to be able to even attempt to do any of these things. I was so afraid I would lose her voice. God provides in all things. He allowed for her to film a testimony about Holy Sews. The why and the importance of what we do. Now, I will always have a piece of her. The world will always be able to hear her determination, compassion, grace and love.

38 years ago, her momma gave her name. A name most would never be able to live up to. She embodied her name. Every moment of every day. Her sister, described watching all of us grieve just as hard as she is. The awe and the wonder that she had touched so many, so deeply. It is just who she is. Not was, but is. She left such an imprint on this world.

She was, is and forever will be, Treasure.

"The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."
                                                                        Luke 12:34


I've been meaning to write this for over a week.

The past week is a post all of its own.

One step at a time.

A couple of Saturday's ago, we worked outside in the extreme August heat. We dug, soaked, dug, soaked, dug, soaked and so on. All day long.

And then, finally we achieved the ultimate goal. We planted five trees. Trees donated in Aidan's memory. Trees planted in our home town.

Evan and I literally grew up in the same town without knowing one another. We knew a ton of the same people, but for some reason our paths never crossed until that fateful day in 2006. Still, our roots are firmly planted in Cabot, AR.

And now, so are Aidan's. We planted five trees surrounding the community pond there in Cabot. We did this on Aidan's 11 month celebration. We picnicked afterwards and sent Aidan some balloons.

All day, it just kept hitting me. This is a permanent part of his legacy. One day those trees will stand taller than any of us. We will literally watch them grow. It brought me such peace. Over the past 11 months Aidan's life has had an impact. And now I will have a physical attachment I will get to watch grow. The blessings are always hidden. Their importance always surprising. This one came in the form of trees. Watching his family work in the heat, sacrifice their time, sweat in this summer heat. Having friends who are willing to come and be there with us to honor Aidan. Having just a few moments that allow us to be proud parents. All because of five trees.

Friday, August 3, 2012



It comes in all different shapes. All different sizes. All different people.

The past year has defined and redefined love for me. I find that I love more deeply. I want to share my love more freely. I want to be loved more openly.

Passion comes from love. In that moment that they literally put love into my arms, my passion started. I'm not a quiet person by nature so my passion is not silent either. I have been asked when I will return to normal, when I will get back to life. I keep saying "I won't, this is my new normal." It's true. I will never be exactly the same. It's just simply not possible. There has been this massive shift in me. It's not something I can or even want to change. So while my heart has grown, my love has intensified, my passion is developing one thing has stayed the same. My inability to keep it inside. I cannot feel it all and not let it out. It's too much for me and now, I am afraid that it is too much for others.

This is another learning moment for this Momma. It's one I am having a hard time with. My love. My passion. My drive. I am afraid it is drowning others. I am afraid that a big scary word is entering the scene. And it breaks my heart. It makes me so afraid. It makes me afraid that he will lose his place. It makes me afraid that I will quit fighting for him because it's so hard to do alone.

He isn't here for me to celebrate all of the milestones with. The only things I get to celebrate are the moments we create. And as I sit here in a deafening silent house, I'm afraid that those don't count either. Tomorrow is 11 months. He should be doing so many big things. No, actually he should be almost 8 months and I should be in awe. His personality should be appearing. I should be harried and exhausted. I should be a proud first time mommy. I wish that people were eager to see us. Eager to relish in him. Instead I am afraid. I am walking a thin line. Do I try to carry it all on my own and when there is a moment to remember I do it alone? Or, do I open it up and risk these feelings. Feelings I don't even want to give a name too.

All I know, all I feel, all I can hope for, is that the love that is inside of me is enough to inspire, strengthen, encourage and draw close. And the only way it can do any of those things is by showing it outwardly and without fear.

Sharing Aidan is my way of sharing our love. It is not for pity or recognition. Trust me, I would much rather be a mom that no one knows. I wish I didn't have to do any of the things I have done in the past year. I would trade every single bit of it just to have him asleep in the room across the hall. He isn't though. He will never be. So I am taking the opportunities that God presents, I am hanging onto my faith, I am believing that it all has a purpose. I'm doing it for Aidan.

There won't be baby milestones, or sporting events, or school activities.
But, I will be proud. I will do whatever it takes to keep his legacy alive. To allow him to change our world.
I will love him with all of my being. He will always be my first born.

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