Tuesday, November 6, 2012

A rainbow in the storm

A picture worth a 1,000 words.
Today, today I am 12 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby.
Aidan is a big brother. Those words bring me to my knees.
So many emotions. More than I am able to express in any sort of sensical way.
I am so excited. So happy. Brimming with hope.
I am so scared.
What if it happens again? What if something else goes wrong?
What if people forget about Aidan?
That's the big one. That's the fear I have been afraid to put words too. That's the reason I haven't been able to blog or write much.
My excitement is overwhelming. At the same time, my heartaches from missing my little boy. I cannot explain that.
I cherish every single day. Even though most of them have been rough physically, I know that they may be all that I have. Aidan taught me that.
Every day I think of him and wonder what life would be like if he were here. How would I have managed an infant and the complications that have come along with this pregnancy? And then it hits me, if it weren't for Aidan's life, I most likely would not be sitting here pregnant. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have Twinkle. There is so much power in this knowledge. There are so many things that I would not know if it hadn't been for Aidan and the journey we are on. Too many to even attempt to list.
While there are no guarantees, no promises, I know that this baby is a gift. One that deserves its own excitement of hopes and dreams.
I have been unsure of what to say. How to explain how this baby and Aidan are both a part of our family without taking away from the other. And then this moment happened today. A comment was made and it reminded me that it is my job as their mother to make sure they are both treated equally. The only way I can do that is to continue to share our journey together. As a growing family of four.
This is my second pregnancy. I have two children. Each deserves to be loved and cherished in their own ways. No matter what tomorrow brings, I am a momma of two. And no one can ever take that away.

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy for you! After your comment the other night, I found myself holding my breath in anticipation for this post. I saw the title yesterday and my face broke out in a huge smile. I am so happy for you! But I also know that fear. That teetering between hope and excitement and utter fear. You know I'm always here, don't you? You said it perfectly (for me anyway) when you said that your biggest fear was that this pregnancy might mean that others will forget about Aidan. That is exactly how I felt my last pregnancy would affect the twins. When it all comes down to it, I am their mother. I will not forget them and as long as I won't, I won't let the world either. Congratulations. Smiles to you to share in the excitement. Hugs to you so you know that I know the fear that sits deep too.


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