Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Say it Out Loud

There is a project in the works. A huge, important, taboo shattering project.

(There is a beloved sister in there!)

I can't even begin to explain what this is going to mean.

As a parent of infant loss, I know the importance of his life. I know the significance of his death. I know the impact he has had.

This project will allow all parents to share these things. To not have to hide behind the "normalcy" that none of us truly feel. We are being given the chance to have a voice.

I am extremely lucky. I have this blog. I have Still Standing. I have Holy Sews. I have the March of Dimes and the various opportunities within that organization. So many people who believe in me, Aidan and the strength it takes to share him.

Whether it is in writing, speaking to a group, talking with other moms, over the radio to a faceless audience, or in the possibility of this new project: one thing is becoming abundantly clear.

We are forging ahead. We are knocking down the taboos and hush behind our children. We are navigating an unknown territory in hopes that the moms of the future feel constant support.

We are quite simply "Saying it out loud." No more whispers. No more silent tears.

Last week in the radio interview I said something that has stuck with me.

Aidan may have been still born, but his life is in no way silent.

That's it right there. That's the why behind every day. Behind every decision.

The why we choose to say it out loud.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Healing through the fear

This past weekend I faced a big fear. I traveled back to NWA. I sat in the backseat and traveled down I-40. Instead of holding Aidan, I counted stitch by stitch. I focused on that needle and thread and what it will mean to some other mom.

I have had this fear of Fayetteville. I have been so afraid that the first time I would make that drive back to the Hill I would break because I would have to pretend I wasn't remembering and thinking of Aidan the entire time. God provides though. He allowed for a 5k to allow me heal.

NWA Race to Remember
It was a 5k that benefited Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
It was a perfect reason to make that drive.
It was all about Aidan and his legacy.  

Team Aidan was represented by so many. I cannot explain what it meant to be surrounded by these people. They took the time to come out on a early Saturday morning and share some moments with me. To allow me to share Aidan with them.

Team Aidan.
Mark, Sarah, Addy, Karen, Vos, Germer
Callie and Kaylin hadn't made it yet, but they were there too!

Most of Aidan's team walked with me. My Sarah's ran it. The Sarah above is Tom's sister.
There is this connection between us. Our two boys have just united us. I feel so close to their entire family. It meant so so much to have this moment with Sarah. To see her wearing Aidan's name and running for him.

My Sarah on the bottom is my Vos. Friends since elementary school. Sisters at heart.
She loved Aidan even when he was just an Olive. She has loved me through with such a devotion and determination.

When you make friends in high school, you promise to be friends forever. Thankfully, I made that promise with some of the best friends I could have asked for. A decade later and still they show up when I need them. Nothing short of amazing right there.

This one is extra special. This is Lisa.

She took Aidan's pictures. Pictures that bring me such pride.
Pictures that provide me the proof I need on the hard days that he was here. He is important. He left a mark on the world. Pictures that I carry me with me always. Pictures I am so proud to show off. Wanna see? Please just ask!

This weekend can be summed up in one word. Healing.
I found the peace I have been looking for.
I felt so much grace.
I felt a part of the healing process begin. A feeling that has stuck with me these past few days.

Thursday I will be on the radio sharing Aidan. Tune into 100.3 The Edge if you are local. Should be around 8 that morning! I'm nervous, but ready. Anything and everything for him!

Thursday, July 19, 2012


God is at work.

He is pushing me.

He is leading me where I am supposed to be.

I am doing my very best to let him.

It's hard because I am terrified.

Tomorrow, I will make the same drive I made almost one year ago. I will drive back to Fayetteville. Every mile will be full of memories. Every exit will be like a different direction my life would've taken.

But, I can't let that stop me. I have to stay on the track I was given.

And it will lead me to familiar ground. It will lead me to everything that is Aidan.

The woman who took his pictures with such grace and compassion. A member of the amazing family that is a part of his name. His Auntie Vos. My cousins that stood beside me during labor. People who knew Aidan. Who witnessed the miracle he was and still is. People who are loving me through this journey.

I am terrified to make this trip. But, in the end I am more afraid not to.

Team Aidan will be represented in full force this coming Saturday. It makes me swell with pride. It makes my heart ache with gratitude and utter devotion. It makes the tears just a little more sweeter.

If you think about it tomorrow afternoon. Say a prayer.
For safe travels.
For Peace.
For Grace.

The same prayers I prayed that night on the way to the hospital.
The same prayers that have carried me through each and every day. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

One of those days...

Maybe it's the big changes?

Maybe it is because of the time of the year?

Maybe it is because September is barreling towards me?

All I know for sure is, today was just one of those days. All of the emotion, all of the grief, all of the heartache is bubbling over.

I've been all sorts of numb lately. The tears could come, but only one or two at a time. I had developed this wall of defense. I've been taking fake it until you make it to an entirely new level.

And then today happened. Nothing happened.

And all I have done is cry.

Over Tom and everything his legacy means.

Over things that are completely out of my control.

Over the fact that in two weeks I will move out of the first house that Evan and I called home. (Not to mention the fact that we still don't know where our next home will be!)

Over the fact that I miss my Mom.

Over the fact that Savannah is six months old. (How is that even possible?)

Over the fact that it is taking such effort to write this.

Over the fact that I walked through the baby section tonight and looked for babies who still aren't mine.

Some days are just hard.

And I just have to keep reminding myself, it is totally ok to cry.

On a better note, there are big things on the horizon. Lots of projects, a very special first birthday celebration, and lots of March of Dimes. Pretty much, lots and lots of Aidan. Blessings in the darkness.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Walking the Journey Together

It's the first Tuesday of the month. That means it is JOURNEY time!

Tomorrow is 10 months. Forever yet, just beginning. Every day is different.

Please join me over at Still Standing.

Link up, leave a comment. Make a connection.

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