Beautiful Scars

I stood in a very familiar place today. A place I have been before. A place I never imagined.

It was a beautiful day. Slight breeze, cool but not cold, bright blue sky with scattered clouds and sunny. There were moments of warmth that only God could provide.

It took me all back. All back to the day I sat under that pavilion with so many of my dearest and said the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. The day we buried Aidan.

I have said goodbye every single day since, but not to the red clay being unearthed. Not to a hole in the ground where my son would rest.

Until today. Today I arrived at Aidan's spot to this.

I didn't know what to expect, but this was not it. In having Aidan's stone put up, his burial came back.

I refused to leave that spot. I watched every step. Every shovel of dirt.

They were oh so careful. They were gentle. They recognized a Momma in need.

I seriously think I held my breath the entire time. Every time they moved the marble I waited for the crash. When it came off of the truck and I saw Aidan's name for the first time I gasped.

My child's name has been carved in stone. Another piece of my heart broke.

My child's name has been painstakingly carved in stone. A labor of love. His name is out for the world to see. I smiled a momma smile through the tears.

There it was his name. His day. His wings. My elephant.

It is so personal. It is so simple.

And then you walk to the other side and Aidan's reminder to all of us is waiting.

It was meant for his nursery. Nothing else would work. Nothing else could come close.

I finally feel as though his spot is ready. A safe place that adequately shows the love and adoration for our little boy.

There are so many emotions tied into this day. Thankfully there were more smiles. More laughter. So much love. Even sweet Carter understood. He knows Aidan and in his innocence reminded us all.

Aidan is here.

In sharp contrast to these emotions a family is just beginning their journey. There story so closely echoes ours. My heart aches because I know what is coming. I so badly want to take this momma by her hand and just show her the way. So many moms that have traveled this road before me have been my beacon. It is my turn to extend my hand.

Our hearts are forever scarred. It is in that scarring that we are able to love so much deeper.

The Truth

The call finally happened.

Aidan's stone is ready. We are meeting them at his spot tomorrow afternoon.

And in this new normal, it is a big day.

I won't call it a happy day, but it is a big day.

It is his name etched in stone.

It is the last act as a parent that I get to do just for him.

It is awful.

There are so many more things I am supposed to be able to do for him. I am supposed to be crying when he gets his well baby shots. I am supposed to cheer him on as he goes mobile. I am supposed to laugh as he discovers his fingers and toes. I am supposed to be sitting here cuddling him after a long day at work.

I live with all of the suppose to's every single day. Most days, I just don't voice them.

Instead I focus on the blessings. Aidan is the biggest blessing.

And tomorrow, they are erecting a stone with his name on it for all to see. So that is a blessing.

The thoughts are polar opposite and at the same time linear.

They are both the truth. Just different aspects of the same truth.

The truth about grief is loaded. It all shades of grey. It is hard. It inspiring.

And if you let it, it is full of God's grace and mercy. 

I have the peace of knowing Aidan is with him. Aidan is surrounded by perfection.

I feel God's grace in all of the people who still check on us, send us random bits of love, remember and love Aidan.

I have learned so much about compassion, empathy, God's love. All through the mercy God has extended me in the darkness. He takes my doubts, he takes my fear, he takes the darkness and ALWAYS extends a ray of light.

I am learning more and more everyday that I still have the capacity to hope.  

And while Aidan may be our elephant, he is also our truth.

It's The Elephant In The Room
And We Pretend That We Don't See It.
It's The Avalanche That Looms Above Our Heads.
And We Don't Believe It.

Tryin' To Be Perfect
Tryin' Not To Let You Down
Honesty Is Honestly The Hardest Thing For Me Right Now
While The Floors Underneath Our Feet Are Crumbling
The Walls We Built Together Tumblin'
I Still Stand Here Holdin' Up The Roof
Cause It's Easier Than Telling The Truth.

Stop Ignoring That Our Hearts Are Mourning
And Let The Rain Come In.
Stop Pretending That It's Not Ending
And Let The End Begin.

Excerpt from "The Truth" by Kris Allen

Brave

Brave:

1: having or showing courage

2: making a fine show

 

 

I know a lot of people who exemplify the first definition of brave. Bravery at its finest. Tom. A soldier who made the ultimate sacrifice. Jackie. A husband and father first. Police officer second, but always in front of his fellow officers. Leslie. A mom facing Leukemia praying for a transplant so she can watch her precious child grow up. Amanda. A mom praying everyday for her sweet Stella to be cured.

 

Someone once called me brave. I certaintly don't belong in the same catagory as those mentioned above. At least, not for the first definition. When I read the second one, I identified. It's what I do. It's why I am so tired at the end of the day. Because I have to summon up every ounce of courage and bravery to face the world.

 

My world of oxymoron's. I am a mom. No one calls me mommy. I have a child I am so proud of. Some people are too afraid to even speak his name.

 

Just about every single person I see on a regular basis is a mom. Certaintly, there are more moms than not. And I love each and every one of them. And I LOVE those babies. I would do anything for anything of them. Still, there are moments I feel completely on the outside. I am left out of mommy conversations and experiences. My heart just aches in these moments. I yearn so deeply to have him here so that I can be included. All I can do is just be brave. Face the pain head on. Smile through. Be as brave as I have ever had to be.

 

Of course, to some, the easiest fix to this is to start trying again. To simply have another baby.

 

I would do anything to have another baby. And one day, when the time is right I will have to. I will have to endure surgery. I will have to be home bound for the majority of the pregnancy. I will have to be the bravest I have ever been.

 

More brave women can be found here.

 

 

Raising, Healing, Encouraging

I would give anything to have Aidan here with me.

Since I can't, I cherish the people and the moments that allow me to share him. Today I was recognized as "Aidan's Mom."

AMAZING

Who knew that something so simple could soothe an aching heart?

Life is pretty hectic these days. Between work, marriage, family, friends, March of Dimes, Holy Sews and my newest venture Still Standing, I can't tell you what is going on from one moment to the next. I can however, tell you that in the past week I have shared more of Aidan than I have in the past six months. People have done more than just listen. They have asked. They want to know him. Today, we passed around pictures and fell in love with these sweet babies all over again.

With March of Dimes, we are raising awareness. We are changing the future.

With Holy Sews, we are healing. We are coming together and finding ways to give their lives a purpose.

With Standing Still, I am finding the courage to encourage others. To stand up and be the example so many others have been to me. I am the "survivor."

All three groups are so different. All three are so special. All three are allowing me the opportunity to grieve. Openly, freely, without reservation. I am learning to tread water. I am learning to just go with the waves. I won't drown and eventually I will find my footing again.

I can feel the sand between my toes. I can hear the steady rhythm of the waves. I can taste the salt.

My heart is broken, but beating. 

Reflection

Six months ago tonight was the last night I knew true innocence.

Six months ago tonight, we celebrated. I spent a perfect day with Vos. I stood up for one of my dearest friends on her oh so special day. I was surrounded by so many that I hold near to my heart. My life seemed perfect. I had no idea what was coming.

This is the night that the uncomfortable ache set in on my back. This is the night that I endured, assuring myself I was just tired. This is the night I had no idea I could endure what was to come.

This is the night that changed everything. It is the night I went into labor.

SIX MONTHS.

These months have encompassed so much. I have hurt to my core. I have cried more tears than seems humanly possible. I have yearned for him with such ferocity. And still, I have loved more than ever. I have learned so very much. The laughter has been some of the most needed release. The opportunities that have been presented are way beyond my control and they continue to grow.

This time has been the most important and defining time of my life.

All because of a little boy with a huge legacy. The tiniest footprints have left a gigantic imprint.

Aidan has changed everything.

Because of him I have found this inner strength. I have found the importance of words. I have found my voice. That guy took a piece of me and in that hole, sheer determination has grown.

Each and everyday, I miss him. I miss who he was. Who he might have been.

And still, each day I experience him.