Friday, March 23, 2012

Beautiful Scars

I stood in a very familiar place today. A place I have been before. A place I never imagined.

It was a beautiful day. Slight breeze, cool but not cold, bright blue sky with scattered clouds and sunny. There were moments of warmth that only God could provide.

It took me all back. All back to the day I sat under that pavilion with so many of my dearest and said the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. The day we buried Aidan.

I have said goodbye every single day since, but not to the red clay being unearthed. Not to a hole in the ground where my son would rest.

Until today. Today I arrived at Aidan's spot to this.

I didn't know what to expect, but this was not it. In having Aidan's stone put up, his burial came back.

I refused to leave that spot. I watched every step. Every shovel of dirt.
They were oh so careful. They were gentle. They recognized a Momma in need.

I seriously think I held my breath the entire time. Every time they moved the marble I waited for the crash. When it came off of the truck and I saw Aidan's name for the first time I gasped.

My child's name has been carved in stone. Another piece of my heart broke.
My child's name has been painstakingly carved in stone. A labor of love. His name is out for the world to see. I smiled a momma smile through the tears.

There it was his name. His day. His wings. My elephant.
It is so personal. It is so simple.

And then you walk to the other side and Aidan's reminder to all of us is waiting.

It was meant for his nursery. Nothing else would work. Nothing else could come close.

I finally feel as though his spot is ready. A safe place that adequately shows the love and adoration for our little boy.

There are so many emotions tied into this day. Thankfully there were more smiles. More laughter. So much love. Even sweet Carter understood. He knows Aidan and in his innocence reminded us all.

Aidan is here.

In sharp contrast to these emotions a family is just beginning their journey. There story so closely echoes ours. My heart aches because I know what is coming. I so badly want to take this momma by her hand and just show her the way. So many moms that have traveled this road before me have been my beacon. It is my turn to extend my hand.

Our hearts are forever scarred. It is in that scarring that we are able to love so much deeper.


  1. His stone is absolutely beautiful. I love it. We did not watch them put Gracie's in, but as soon as we saw it I cried and cried. I had waited forever to see her name. It was supposed to be monogrammed on onesies and bibs, not on a hard piece of stone. And yet, there it was. It was still beautiful and I do love it. A lasting testament of her life and her place in our lives. You did a fantastic job designing the stone. I know what a hard day this is. One more step on this journey...

  2. tears... How precious that you shared this moment with us. The monument is beautiful, & I love the elephant so much! I so remember the day I saw the monument for Matthew... & I gasped with each step I took closer. You words ring so true to my heart! What a precious memory & a beautiful scar! HUGS!!! Much Love to you... Lori

  3. I tried to read the whole post and I just couldn't. I tried to look at every picture and I just couldn't. I'm so sorry! I think of you and Aidan often. We (my husband and I still, almost ten months later, have made no move to purchase a headstone. I haven't even been to the site since the day we buried Emmerson and Vivienne. Thank you for this post. It was beautiful.


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