Brave

Brave:

1: having or showing courage

2: making a fine show

 

 

I know a lot of people who exemplify the first definition of brave. Bravery at its finest. Tom. A soldier who made the ultimate sacrifice. Jackie. A husband and father first. Police officer second, but always in front of his fellow officers. Leslie. A mom facing Leukemia praying for a transplant so she can watch her precious child grow up. Amanda. A mom praying everyday for her sweet Stella to be cured.

 

Someone once called me brave. I certaintly don't belong in the same catagory as those mentioned above. At least, not for the first definition. When I read the second one, I identified. It's what I do. It's why I am so tired at the end of the day. Because I have to summon up every ounce of courage and bravery to face the world.

 

My world of oxymoron's. I am a mom. No one calls me mommy. I have a child I am so proud of. Some people are too afraid to even speak his name.

 

Just about every single person I see on a regular basis is a mom. Certaintly, there are more moms than not. And I love each and every one of them. And I LOVE those babies. I would do anything for anything of them. Still, there are moments I feel completely on the outside. I am left out of mommy conversations and experiences. My heart just aches in these moments. I yearn so deeply to have him here so that I can be included. All I can do is just be brave. Face the pain head on. Smile through. Be as brave as I have ever had to be.

 

Of course, to some, the easiest fix to this is to start trying again. To simply have another baby.

 

I would do anything to have another baby. And one day, when the time is right I will have to. I will have to endure surgery. I will have to be home bound for the majority of the pregnancy. I will have to be the bravest I have ever been.

 

More brave women can be found here.

 

 

Reflection

Six months ago tonight was the last night I knew true innocence.

Six months ago tonight, we celebrated. I spent a perfect day with Vos. I stood up for one of my dearest friends on her oh so special day. I was surrounded by so many that I hold near to my heart. My life seemed perfect. I had no idea what was coming.

This is the night that the uncomfortable ache set in on my back. This is the night that I endured, assuring myself I was just tired. This is the night I had no idea I could endure what was to come.

This is the night that changed everything. It is the night I went into labor.

SIX MONTHS.

These months have encompassed so much. I have hurt to my core. I have cried more tears than seems humanly possible. I have yearned for him with such ferocity. And still, I have loved more than ever. I have learned so very much. The laughter has been some of the most needed release. The opportunities that have been presented are way beyond my control and they continue to grow.

This time has been the most important and defining time of my life.

All because of a little boy with a huge legacy. The tiniest footprints have left a gigantic imprint.

Aidan has changed everything.

Because of him I have found this inner strength. I have found the importance of words. I have found my voice. That guy took a piece of me and in that hole, sheer determination has grown.

Each and everyday, I miss him. I miss who he was. Who he might have been.

And still, each day I experience him.

Longing, Wishing...Loving

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but my Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

His absence is strong tonight. I long to have my uncomfortable pregnant belly. I long to wish him here already. I long for the kicks. I long for his heartbeat. I long for him.

The tears are in abundance. They flow easily and constant. The salt burns my raw eyes.

I wish I didn't hurt. I wish Evan didn't hurt. I wish we weren't those parents.

I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to stress. I don't want to shy away.

But this is the new life. The life I not only had no choice in but one I am expected to live fully. I try and that's all I can do. Promise to try.

I love my husband. I love how close we are to our immediate families and the friends who might as well be family. I love the safety we find in them. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. Therefore, I have to love this life.