Where am I headed?

Good days.

Bad days.

Lonely days.

All about Aidan days.

Hopeful days.

Each and every day takes effort.

Each day is leading to somewhere on this journey.



I met another momma today on this journey.

Aidan's legacy has spread far enough that others are turning Momma's to our story.

AMAZING.

Nine months ago, all I was trying to do was survive. Trying to figure out a way to live without Aidan, but keep him present in our lives. I know. It doesn't make any sense. It's what I had to do though. And today, someone described me as able to keep him alive.

I know that he is gone. Trust me. I know. I have the empty aching arms to remind me all the time. However, his name is spoken. His face is adored. His life means something.

And that means everything.

I have to summon every ounce of courage to put on that ok face most days. Days like today are easier. Sharing his story with another mom, sharing his story with people who are on a mission, sharing his story which inspires people to go outside their comfort zone. That is my comfort zone. Because I am actively being a mom.

People are starting to know Aidan. They know me because of Aidan.

I will never be ok with the fact that he died.

I am forever grateful that I am his mom.

This Saturday is the anniversary of the day I learned there would be an Aidan. The day my heart shifted. The day the reality that I would be a mom started.

I have no idea where tomorrow will take me.

All I can ask. All I can pray:

Is for it to lead me to the cross.

 

It's finally here.

In less than 10 minutes another mountain will begin to budge.

Today was very heavy. It was very emotional. It was eight months. It was the first month I thought I was pregnant this time last year. That has brought with it so many emotions.

I spent the evening with one of my oldest/closest friends. We talked, we giggled, we crafted. I was able to talk about Aidan, where I am on this journey and where I want to go.

I am in a place of trying to balance all the aspects of this new normal. I am expected to be past certain points of grief. I'm feeling pressure to be who some need me to be.

That's a lot of weight. That's a lot of expectations for this people pleaser.

And now, I sit on the couch watching the clock obsessively. At 12:01, it is Jenna's third birthday. It is also the birthday for Still Standing Magazine. This amazing opportunity that is going to change the outlook on pregnancy, infant loss and infertility. No longer will it be a hush hush taboo subject.

We will be allowed to grieve and heal together. It's amazing. I simply cannot wait.

So...

Happy Birthday Sweet Jenna. I know you are having a fabulous birthday. Send lots of butterfly kisses to your mommy on this day.

And...it's live. It's up. It's waiting for all of you!

I sincerely hope that you will go and find something that tugs at your heart. Anything that gives us all the courage to stand up straighter and talk just a little louder.

Because we are all Still Standing. And if I'm not standing, its because I am kneeling. Giving thanks for all that Aidan is and all that he is doing.

Reflection

Six months ago tonight was the last night I knew true innocence.

Six months ago tonight, we celebrated. I spent a perfect day with Vos. I stood up for one of my dearest friends on her oh so special day. I was surrounded by so many that I hold near to my heart. My life seemed perfect. I had no idea what was coming.

This is the night that the uncomfortable ache set in on my back. This is the night that I endured, assuring myself I was just tired. This is the night I had no idea I could endure what was to come.

This is the night that changed everything. It is the night I went into labor.

SIX MONTHS.

These months have encompassed so much. I have hurt to my core. I have cried more tears than seems humanly possible. I have yearned for him with such ferocity. And still, I have loved more than ever. I have learned so very much. The laughter has been some of the most needed release. The opportunities that have been presented are way beyond my control and they continue to grow.

This time has been the most important and defining time of my life.

All because of a little boy with a huge legacy. The tiniest footprints have left a gigantic imprint.

Aidan has changed everything.

Because of him I have found this inner strength. I have found the importance of words. I have found my voice. That guy took a piece of me and in that hole, sheer determination has grown.

Each and everyday, I miss him. I miss who he was. Who he might have been.

And still, each day I experience him.

January 4, 2012

Aidan Thomas,

My sweet boy. Happy four months.

The fourth day of the month will always tug at me. I spend it remembering you.

How hard we all fought to keep you. How patient I was. How hopeful we were becoming. How quickly you were gone to be with Jesus. How much you were loved as we passed you around and you were showered with kisses. How there were moments that were exactly like I'd imagined they be. How there were moments I still can't imagine happening.

In these past four months, I have experienced so much. I have done so much. All because of you. All because you were born four months early. You were born in September. You were supposed to have been born next week. This is the reality I cannot get a grip on.

You have been gone almost as long as I carried you.

I'm beginning to learn a lesson. A big lesson. The hardest lesson one will ever have to learn.

Accepting that you aren't and never were mine. You are God's child. He entrusted you to me. I carried you so that his purpose can be carried further. I carried you, but you are his.

01/04/12 Sunset at 5:38 p.m.

So, in this month. On this day. I celebrate you. I look for his beauty. I praise God. Because he chose me to carry you. Both in my womb and in my heart. So, you see I will always carry you. And one day, I will hold you again, for that is his promise to me.

Endless love,
Your Momma