Thankful for What?

In the time "before Aidan" I like to think that I was grateful. However, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't nearly thankful enough. I didn't appreciate the moments in the present and was usually hoping that the current good times could happen again. I was always planning for the next time instead of enjoying the moment I was being given. I couldn't live in the present because I was already looking ahead.

 

Of course, time stopped when I went into labor. Suddenly I couldn't look forward. All I wanted was for time to stop or even go backwards. I spent those hours cherishing every kick. Memorizing every heartbeat. Thankful that so many took the time to come visit.

 

Then, when the unthinkable happened, I needed time to freeze forever. I have never been more thankful for patience, tears, words, silence and the compassion to allow us to love Aidan as much as we needed. For the first time I was truly present in the moment. Moments that will have to last me a lifetime. Moments that are some of the most precious.

 

In the almost two years since then, I have learned more everyday to appreciate each smile, laugh, tear, hug and snuggle. I have loved with all of my heart and then some.

 

Since Kellan's arrival, I find myself losing time. I lose minutes, hours and occasionally days. Not because of the exhaustion of a newborn, but because I am so immersed in these moments. Moments I wasn't sure I would get to have. Moments that I often think of Aidan and know that I am getting a second chance.

 

 

The big moments are fantastic. The moments that I have thought about and dreamed about are even better in this reality.

 

But, the small moments are the ones that I am really soaking in. The snuggles, the coos, the early morning feedings, each new development....all of them are so precious. The past 10 weeks have flown by. My heart has been so full. I've even found myself cherishing the hard moments. The ones where I miss Aidan so much I think I might just break again.

 

So yes, I am that mom.

 

I laugh at his cries because they are the most beautiful sound.

 

I laugh at his pout because it looks like his Daddy.

 

I cheer when he poops because it is one more diaper I get to change.

 

I smile through the bittersweet moments because they are moments that belong to both of my boys.

 

I take the time to pause and be thankful when I get to fold up a stroller and put it in the trunk for another use.

 

I had to stop writing this and go rock a fussy baby to sleep and it was quite possibly the highlight of a pretty terrific day.

 

I find healing in these moments. And for that I am so thankful.

 

Healing through the fear

This past weekend I faced a big fear. I traveled back to NWA. I sat in the backseat and traveled down I-40. Instead of holding Aidan, I counted stitch by stitch. I focused on that needle and thread and what it will mean to some other mom.

I have had this fear of Fayetteville. I have been so afraid that the first time I would make that drive back to the Hill I would break because I would have to pretend I wasn't remembering and thinking of Aidan the entire time. God provides though. He allowed for a 5k to allow me heal.

NWA Race to Remember

It was a 5k that benefited Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

It was a perfect reason to make that drive.

It was all about Aidan and his legacy.  

Team Aidan was represented by so many. I cannot explain what it meant to be surrounded by these people. They took the time to come out on a early Saturday morning and share some moments with me. To allow me to share Aidan with them.

Team Aidan.

Mark, Sarah, Addy, Karen, Vos, Germer

Callie and Kaylin hadn't made it yet, but they were there too!

Most of Aidan's team walked with me. My Sarah's ran it. The Sarah above is Tom's sister.

There is this connection between us. Our two boys have just united us. I feel so close to their entire family. It meant so so much to have this moment with Sarah. To see her wearing Aidan's name and running for him.

My Sarah on the bottom is my Vos. Friends since elementary school. Sisters at heart.

She loved Aidan even when he was just an Olive. She has loved me through with such a devotion and determination.

When you make friends in high school, you promise to be friends forever. Thankfully, I made that promise with some of the best friends I could have asked for. A decade later and still they show up when I need them. Nothing short of amazing right there.

This one is extra special. This is Lisa.

She took Aidan's pictures. Pictures that bring me such pride.

Pictures that provide me the proof I need on the hard days that he was here. He is important. He left a mark on the world. Pictures that I carry me with me always. Pictures I am so proud to show off. Wanna see? Please just ask!



This weekend can be summed up in one word. Healing.

I found the peace I have been looking for.

I felt so much grace.

I felt a part of the healing process begin. A feeling that has stuck with me these past few days.

Thursday I will be on the radio sharing Aidan. Tune into 100.3 The Edge if you are local. Should be around 8 that morning! I'm nervous, but ready. Anything and everything for him!

Beautiful Scars

I stood in a very familiar place today. A place I have been before. A place I never imagined.

It was a beautiful day. Slight breeze, cool but not cold, bright blue sky with scattered clouds and sunny. There were moments of warmth that only God could provide.

It took me all back. All back to the day I sat under that pavilion with so many of my dearest and said the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. The day we buried Aidan.

I have said goodbye every single day since, but not to the red clay being unearthed. Not to a hole in the ground where my son would rest.

Until today. Today I arrived at Aidan's spot to this.

I didn't know what to expect, but this was not it. In having Aidan's stone put up, his burial came back.

I refused to leave that spot. I watched every step. Every shovel of dirt.

They were oh so careful. They were gentle. They recognized a Momma in need.

I seriously think I held my breath the entire time. Every time they moved the marble I waited for the crash. When it came off of the truck and I saw Aidan's name for the first time I gasped.

My child's name has been carved in stone. Another piece of my heart broke.

My child's name has been painstakingly carved in stone. A labor of love. His name is out for the world to see. I smiled a momma smile through the tears.

There it was his name. His day. His wings. My elephant.

It is so personal. It is so simple.

And then you walk to the other side and Aidan's reminder to all of us is waiting.

It was meant for his nursery. Nothing else would work. Nothing else could come close.

I finally feel as though his spot is ready. A safe place that adequately shows the love and adoration for our little boy.

There are so many emotions tied into this day. Thankfully there were more smiles. More laughter. So much love. Even sweet Carter understood. He knows Aidan and in his innocence reminded us all.

Aidan is here.

In sharp contrast to these emotions a family is just beginning their journey. There story so closely echoes ours. My heart aches because I know what is coming. I so badly want to take this momma by her hand and just show her the way. So many moms that have traveled this road before me have been my beacon. It is my turn to extend my hand.

Our hearts are forever scarred. It is in that scarring that we are able to love so much deeper.

Raising, Healing, Encouraging

I would give anything to have Aidan here with me.

Since I can't, I cherish the people and the moments that allow me to share him. Today I was recognized as "Aidan's Mom."

AMAZING

Who knew that something so simple could soothe an aching heart?

Life is pretty hectic these days. Between work, marriage, family, friends, March of Dimes, Holy Sews and my newest venture Still Standing, I can't tell you what is going on from one moment to the next. I can however, tell you that in the past week I have shared more of Aidan than I have in the past six months. People have done more than just listen. They have asked. They want to know him. Today, we passed around pictures and fell in love with these sweet babies all over again.

With March of Dimes, we are raising awareness. We are changing the future.

With Holy Sews, we are healing. We are coming together and finding ways to give their lives a purpose.

With Standing Still, I am finding the courage to encourage others. To stand up and be the example so many others have been to me. I am the "survivor."

All three groups are so different. All three are so special. All three are allowing me the opportunity to grieve. Openly, freely, without reservation. I am learning to tread water. I am learning to just go with the waves. I won't drown and eventually I will find my footing again.

I can feel the sand between my toes. I can hear the steady rhythm of the waves. I can taste the salt.

My heart is broken, but beating.