Friday, November 11, 2011

Warning label. I promised to always be honest. Anger ahead.

I have been making my way through the tangled ball of grief. Each different emotion flows into another. There aren't stages. There are just moments that make up hours that make up days. Each moment defined by the current emotion.

Just when I was beginning to think I was figuring out the navigation system, I hit a roadblock at 100 mph. It caught me off guard. It hurt in a whole new way. And it's awful.


It started small. An overwhelming presence of pregnancy at Chick-fil-a.

And then it grew. And grew. And grew.

It has reared its ugly head. And it has brought all of its friends along. The why's. The what if's. The doubt. The fear.

Why? I did everything right. I was prepared for just about anything else. So, why would the one thing I never prepared for happen? Why am I the bad statistic? I am the 1 in 4. 1 in 100. Why wasn't I the 3 in 4 or the 99 in 100? It's not that I wish this on anyone else. I just don't understand why any of us have to do it.

What if? Would our story have been different if they had caught it earlier in the week? What would have happened if my stupid cervix had held it together for three more weeks? Where would we be if they had allowed me to be med flighted? Where would we be if WRMC had been better prepared for the emergency cerclage? What if I'm not strong enough to do this? What if I never get another chance because I am too afraid. What if Aidan was my only chance and my body ruined that for me? (Can you sense it growing?)

Doubt. Can I trust myself to do it again? Will the best Dr's in AR want to try? Do I deserve it? Will I ever forgive myself? How can I?

Fear. How do I find the joy without him? How do I prepare my heart to go there again? What happens if it happens again?

Anger. They say you have to feel everything before you can heal. I don't want to feel this. I want to remain hopeful and optimistic. I want to hang onto the peace. I want to skip this part. I don't like it here. I am not an angry person by nature. Especially not at things that don't affect me. I have never before had an opinion on such things such as the Dugger's. I mean its their prerogative but, I boiled over. I literally see red when I think about them having a 20th child. That sweet blessed baby named Josie was their wake up call. It was her body's way of saying I shouldn't be doing this anymore. And still they are choosing to put not only their child at risk, but also the mother the present kids so desperately need. On this side, it seems so selfish. It seems like a risk that could be avoided.

(I am adding to this now. Looking back, I see things a little different now. I'm not as angry. At least the edges have tempered. I considered just removing this post because of the birth of Jubilee Duggar. Instead I've just decided to update. If I remove it, I'm not being honest. I still feel what I wrote, but when I wrote it I never imagined they would lose that baby girl. I was more angry because they would get to have another. Does that make sense?

So now that family has endured another loss. Jubilee is with Aidan. They have been criticized for not just sharing pictures, but taking them at all. They are grieving and they are having to do it in front of the public eye.

My heart hurts that there is another mother yearning for her baby. My heart hurts that she will be expected to grieve by the publics standards. My heart hopes that she will find a place and a group she feels safe with. My heart hopes she will use those cameras to continue to share Jubilee and spread awareness.

My anger has tempered. I was never angry at the Duggars. I was angry that my child died. I am angry that Aidan died. I will be angry every time another child dies.)

Is that the anger? The fear for my own future as a mother? I don't know. I wish I did.

The only thing I am sure of is that on the other side of this darkness is a promise. A promise that someone is walking through it with me. I am never alone. I am not forgotten. I am allowed to get angry. I am allowed to doubt. Because I believe that God sacrificed his own son so that one day I will get to see mine again. And that counteracts all the anger in the world.

So, I am embracing this new turn. I'm holding tight to my faith. I'm giving it all to God.

1 comment:

  1. How I hate that you have to go through this! I know hate is a strong word and if there was one stronger, trust me, I would use it! After I lost Emmerson and Vivienne, I prayed all the time that I would be the last the mother to experience this. A few weeks later, a friend informed that one of her friends just lost her sweet daughter. Anger reared its ugly head all over it again. You write beautifully. I could relate to EVERYTHING you just wrote. Its awful! My doctor encouraged me to feel everything. Even though its only been four and half months, looking back I can see why that is so important. They need to be acknowledged, dealt with before some of them completely go away. Some will never. It hurts! I would love to talk with you (if you feel comfortable with that) or stay connected through email. My email address is on my blog. If you want to talk over the phone just let me know. I will be praying for you. Please know that you are not alone. I am walking with you...


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