Monday, November 21, 2011

And so it begins...

How did it get here so fast? I'm not ready. I'm not prepared.

It's that time of year. The holidays.

A time for family. A time for togetherness. A time of joy.

And this year it will be bittersweet. It will be a time spent remembering Aidan and the plans I had not so long ago. There will be stark reminders of what is missing. Is there a way to make is easier? I don't know.

I'm at a place where I don't always want to share Aidan. I have become very protective of him. When all you have left of someone are a few tangible items and memories, you become very protective. I have mama bear written all over me.

But, there will be moments when I will need to know that he is there. That others recognize that we are missing a vital piece of our family. Whether its a look, a hug, an ornament or something sentimental we will need and love to know that he is missed.

It all feels very different now. The idea of Thanksgiving and Christmas. The anticipation is different. This week begins a season I'm not sure how to navigate just yet. I'm taking it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

My heart hurts tonight. It's just not a fair world when the reminders of what is missing outnumber the reminders of the person who is missing. I cling tightly to the pictures that will never change. The blankets he will never be wrapped in again. The clothes he never got to wear. The bedding we never got to tuck into a crib.

Few people in this world truly know me. An even smaller group truly know Aidan. It is this group that brings me comfort. Allows me to grieve without restraint. Gives me the breathing room I need try and heal. It is this group that will help me get through what is coming.

I have been writing a list of things I am thankful for. I will share it all later in the week. This group is one of them though.

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