Wednesday, April 4, 2012

4 times 7

The 4th day of the month always lands with a punch. Some are harder than others. This one took my breath away.

I can't tell you what it is. Seven months? Holy week? Knowing that a family awoke to the first morning of the rest of their lives without Stella Rose?

It's all of these emotions rolled up and shaking my world. Jarring me like the bumble ball of years ago. We have a home video of Brooke as a toddler with one. That's what today has felt like.

It took me awhile to figure out why. I knew it was the 4th. I thought of Aidan and how precious the hours in this day are. I worked. I laughed with Ev. I talked with many.

And then tonight, I watched the end of one of the shows I spent the last nine years with. And they tied it up nicely with a bow. But it was the voice overs that did me in. What would you say if you knew this was the last time you would talk to a friend?

And it took me back. Past all of the pictures, past all of the cuddles, past all of the tears. I was back to the hours that it was just Aidan and I. All of the things I said. All of the things I wish I had said. All of the things I have said since.

I have had seven months of time to think about what I would have said. When all I really want is just more time. Isn't that all that any of us really want? Losing someone we love sharpens the aspect of time. Once we have run out it is too late.

So, in honor of Aidan. Because of how little time any of us are given, I am challenging myself to take more time. To make more memories, tell more people just how much I value them, treasure each moment as the blessing it is.

I have to. I crammed a lifetime into hours. I made sure I had memories to hold onto that were peaceful. I made sure that when the darkness comes, I have something of light to counteract it with. I have the time I spent with Aidan.

Seven months ago today, at this moment. He was in my arms. He was also in the arms of Jesus. There is my peace.

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