Sunday, January 22, 2012

Where I belong

Song to a Lost Lamb
Tiny boy, three months premature,
delivered in rushing waves
yet born in silence:

you are an unblinking image
or your daddy - damp, soft curls
and fingertips
like petals from withered
pink rosebuds.

As I cradle your body
 in my hot, wet arms,
I, inhaling air for two,
must sing to you declaring
you are cherished

now and for all days
as much as any
warm and breathing child.
Susan Terris
from the book Baby Blessings by June Cotner

 My sweet, beautiful, perfect baby boy. You never drew a breath. You never let out a cry. You never looked into my eyes. But...

I tested positive for pregnancy. I watched and listened to your heart beat. I watched you dance and jump around in many ultrasounds. I caught a glimpse of your precious face. I learned you were a boy and watched your daddy light up. I planned. I dreamed. I fell more and more in love. And then...

I labored. I fought. I delivered. I gave birth to you, my sleeping son. 

You forever changed me. You forever changed my world. Your force is so powerful that you literally stopped my world from spinning. You forever changed the landscape of my life.

Some days are easier than others. Every moment is learning to live again. Every breath is my determination to share you and to do my best to further God's message.

There is only one who can truly know the depth of my pain, the depth of my love. And that is because he has gone before me. He has sat back and watched his son sacrificed for the greater good. He has watched as others diminished and pushed aside his son and his importance. He has survived the storm and is currently leading me through my own.

In the book of Malachi 3:3, God is compared to a refiner. A refiner who sits in front of the fire and carefully watches over his silver. Who molds it and makes sure the heat never gets to be too much. For if he looked away for even a second it would be ruined. Someone who knows his project has reached perfection when he can see his own reflection.

These days are hard. These days seem to be surrounded by flames. And yet, I know that God is there. Watching out for me. Ensuring my safety. Waiting to see his reflection in me.

In this journey there are moments of sadness, moments of darkness, moments of unbearable pain. There are also moments of peace, comfort and I am beginning to understand this new joy. All of these moments are wrapped up in grief. Grief because I am left here to live without my son. Not because, Aidan is in heaven. He is wrapped in the ultimate glory. He is perfectly safe.

Aidan will always be apart of me. With every new twist and turn, he will be there. Nothing in my life will ever be mutually exclusive of Aidan. I can only hope for patience and understanding. I know that the rest of the world has continued to move on. Mine has been forever changed. I will forever think of Aidan and know that I have seen a glimpse of what God wants to see in all of us. Handing your child to God will do that to you.

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