Amazing Grace

There are some things that just take a while to digest. If I tried to write about them while still in the middle of them, it wouldn't be adequate. Friday and Saturday were such BIG days. They were days that rendered me speechless. Days in such stark contrast to one another.

First, Regina. Sew Sister. Our brains are so alike its almost scary. But, it is beautiful.

Friday was five years to the day that she learned she would live the rest of her life without Ryan. This beautiful ministry of Holy Sews was literally born with the death of her son.

It's AMAZING.

That sweet boy and Aidan gave two women the strength to go in and love a sweet baby girl. We held onto one another. We held onto our mission. And then we held onto Hope.

I could not have done it with anyone else. We have the same grieving hearts. Our hearts allowed us to be awe of her sweetness. Our hearts made us have the determination to do it perfectly. Our hearts allowed us to love that little girl and give her momma things to hold onto.

In the hour we spent with Hope, I did things I never got to do with Aidan.

I washed her feet. I bathed that sweet child. One of the biggest regrets I have from my time with Aidan is that I didn't know to ask if I could do it. I just let them take him and clean him up. I missed my one chance. Even now, days later. When I think about that sweet simple moment, the tears fall.

My heart breaks.

His purpose grows.

When your baby dies, everything changes. EVERYTHING.

I have been to many funerals. Too many really. I could not have walked into that room and found the strength to do what we did before Aidan. I wouldn't have known what it would mean to her momma. I wouldn't have found a sense of healing.

The fear of death just goes away when your child dies. Once you have held their sweet lifeless body and just loved to the very core of your being, it just changes everything. We found Hope wrapped in a blanket. We left her dressed as  a child should be. Wrapped in love in the forms of blankets, bonnets and two stuffed lambs to snuggle with. We got her momma memories that will have to last a lifetime.

There are so many more things that I feel like I need to say about the moments we spent with Hope. Some are just to personal. Some are just between the three of us. All are just to big for words right now.

Saturday.

A party for all of the babies. All of the full term babies. All of the Cody's, who fought and won. All of the Aidan's, who won the ultimate battle and are in heaven. It was this beautiful, special, ultimate, gut wrenching day.

March for Babies.

And march we did. It was one giant party. With a very special memorial garden set to honor our sweet babies.

The sea of blue was intoxicating. And made every bit of the stress worth it. Aidan's tree was amazing. There were so many special items hung from his tree.

So many people shared their love.

Aidan's team was family, friends, coworkers. All spectrums of my life were represented.

To see all of them come together for one reason. Simply breath taking.

Aidan.

We carried his picture. We wore his feet prints. We shared his story.

Laughter. Hugs. Smiles. Tears. Love.

Absolutely amazing.

It was just a proud momma moment. I was so proud to be his momma. I was so honored to stand on stage and just say I am Aidan's momma and we are here for him. I was recoginized as a mom.

It was such a gift. I didn't feel on the outside. I didn't feel like I was looking in on this world I just barely entered into. I was smack in the middle of it. And it was WONDERFUL.

I will never be able to express my emotions truly. I just know that I cannot wait for the next time I get to have that feeling again. Meanwhile, I am looking at pictures, relishing in what I have been given. Loving my son and all of the blessings he is bringing to us.

Aidan is my amazing grace.

 

Perfection

There is so much going on. So many things out of my control. So many things that I have to get done. So many feelings exposed I am just raw. Stressed. Itchy. Burning.

My body does this thing. When I get stressed or anxious, I break out in hives. Just a spot or two. At this moment, I am slathered in so many over the counter medicines. I have progressed past hives, we are in full blown shingles. I had the chicken pox when I was like five. If they itched half as bad as I do now, I'm amazed I only ended up with one scar. I am in misery and can't be seen at the clinic until Thursday!

All the itching aside, I am having one of those days.

One where I miss him with every breath.

My heart hurts.

My brain can't process it.

The why's and what ifs have invaded. Why me? Why him? Why that weekend?

What if we had known? What if I had been a better advocate? What if that helicopter had come?

Dangerous questions. Painful thoughts. Ideas that distract me from God's grace.

I know it is ok for me to question. If I didn't question I would probably doubt my faith more. I wouldn't feel it down to the core of my being.

I can question while resting at his feet. I can cry while bowing at the cross. I can crumple because his arms will pick me up.

Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You. Psalm 143: 8

This path is not one I would have ever chosen. I am doing everything I can to make it count though. Last Sunday Ben talked about how God doesn't necessarily chose those who are best for the job. He chooses those who will do the best job. I'm not this perfect person. Maybe, I'm the only person who could be Aidan's mom and do it in his glory,though. It is through my imperfection that I can share God's perfection.

I say Aidan's name everyday. In doing this, I also talk about God everyday.

I lean on God every moment, My faith just might strengthen someone else's.

I miss Aidan with every fiber of my being. By being open and honest we may just save another baby.

This Saturday is a BIG day. March for Babies. Aidan's name on shirts. Aidan's story on a mission sign. Families united by trees and their children they represent.

I want it to be perfect. I want it to have an effect. I need it to be something that opens eyes and changes the stigma.

There are not very many days that I get, where I get to be proud of Aidan. This is one of them. This is my version of a birthday party or his baptism. This is a moment I get to share with others and smile because he matters. Thank you to all who are going to literally walk it step by step with me.

It's not just a 5k or a walk. It is a party for all the babies. Especially my baby.

March for Babies

It's time! Registration is now open.

On Aidan's Wings has its very own team. Won't you join us?

This years event includes the March, a "Run before they can Walk 5k" and Craws for a Cause. The entire day benefits March of Dimes.

April 28th 2012. That's the big day. I would love nothing more than for Aidan's team to be the biggest out there. So please, if you want, come join. Come walk, run and party!

And if you can't be there in person, be there in spirit.

Before Aidan, I never thought I would be doing all that I am. I never thought that I would be the face of grief.

So, I'm taking a stand. I'm putting one foot in front of another. Literally.

Come walk with us. The babies deserve it!

The link to register and/or donate is just to the right. I sincerely hope we blow our goal out the window and to see you all there!