This day

It is the Sunday before Labor Day. This day is the reason I feel such a pull to be surrounded by those I love. Why I hate to miss church. Why I light a candle at church and sing to Gods glory. 

Two years ago, on the Sunday before Labor Day, I was given a precious gift. Aidan was born. I became a momma. 

Last year we chose to hop on a boat and just be. We turned off the phones, left the computer behind, literally left the country. We celebrated and remembered. We took the time to ourselves and allowed ourselves to heal. 

This year, we are staying home. I have tried to think of ways to celebrate and honor Aidan this week. I have some special things planned. While I know they will never truly live up to him, they are my way of saying thank you and passing on his goodness. 

This week is tough yet a favorite. It is my chance to revel in the gift of my son. It is my week to share of God's love and mercy. 

Today was spent surrounded by family. Celebrating the new life that has been born in the past year. I couldn't help but think of Aidan and how similar the days were. Aidan's Sunday was a day of awe and being surrounded in Grace. I don't see that day as goodbye. That day was everyone's hello to the tiny boy who would leave the biggest legacy. 

This week the tears will fall and I will miss him with all of the rawness, but I will also smile and hopefully honor him in a way he deserves. 

As I sit here watching Kellan sleep, I can feel the wholeness of Aidan. I know that Kellan is so much of his brother. Our connection to heaven. Our gift from above. 

It's not his birth date, but it is his Sunday. His beautiful perfect Sunday. 

Amazing Grace

There are some things that just take a while to digest. If I tried to write about them while still in the middle of them, it wouldn't be adequate. Friday and Saturday were such BIG days. They were days that rendered me speechless. Days in such stark contrast to one another.

First, Regina. Sew Sister. Our brains are so alike its almost scary. But, it is beautiful.

Friday was five years to the day that she learned she would live the rest of her life without Ryan. This beautiful ministry of Holy Sews was literally born with the death of her son.

It's AMAZING.

That sweet boy and Aidan gave two women the strength to go in and love a sweet baby girl. We held onto one another. We held onto our mission. And then we held onto Hope.

I could not have done it with anyone else. We have the same grieving hearts. Our hearts allowed us to be awe of her sweetness. Our hearts made us have the determination to do it perfectly. Our hearts allowed us to love that little girl and give her momma things to hold onto.

In the hour we spent with Hope, I did things I never got to do with Aidan.

I washed her feet. I bathed that sweet child. One of the biggest regrets I have from my time with Aidan is that I didn't know to ask if I could do it. I just let them take him and clean him up. I missed my one chance. Even now, days later. When I think about that sweet simple moment, the tears fall.

My heart breaks.

His purpose grows.

When your baby dies, everything changes. EVERYTHING.

I have been to many funerals. Too many really. I could not have walked into that room and found the strength to do what we did before Aidan. I wouldn't have known what it would mean to her momma. I wouldn't have found a sense of healing.

The fear of death just goes away when your child dies. Once you have held their sweet lifeless body and just loved to the very core of your being, it just changes everything. We found Hope wrapped in a blanket. We left her dressed as  a child should be. Wrapped in love in the forms of blankets, bonnets and two stuffed lambs to snuggle with. We got her momma memories that will have to last a lifetime.

There are so many more things that I feel like I need to say about the moments we spent with Hope. Some are just to personal. Some are just between the three of us. All are just to big for words right now.

Saturday.

A party for all of the babies. All of the full term babies. All of the Cody's, who fought and won. All of the Aidan's, who won the ultimate battle and are in heaven. It was this beautiful, special, ultimate, gut wrenching day.

March for Babies.

And march we did. It was one giant party. With a very special memorial garden set to honor our sweet babies.

The sea of blue was intoxicating. And made every bit of the stress worth it. Aidan's tree was amazing. There were so many special items hung from his tree.

So many people shared their love.

Aidan's team was family, friends, coworkers. All spectrums of my life were represented.

To see all of them come together for one reason. Simply breath taking.

Aidan.

We carried his picture. We wore his feet prints. We shared his story.

Laughter. Hugs. Smiles. Tears. Love.

Absolutely amazing.

It was just a proud momma moment. I was so proud to be his momma. I was so honored to stand on stage and just say I am Aidan's momma and we are here for him. I was recoginized as a mom.

It was such a gift. I didn't feel on the outside. I didn't feel like I was looking in on this world I just barely entered into. I was smack in the middle of it. And it was WONDERFUL.

I will never be able to express my emotions truly. I just know that I cannot wait for the next time I get to have that feeling again. Meanwhile, I am looking at pictures, relishing in what I have been given. Loving my son and all of the blessings he is bringing to us.

Aidan is my amazing grace.