Monday, December 19, 2011

All of me

We are in the midst of Christmas.

I am struggling.

I do what everything I feel I should do. I show up where I think I am wanted.

The days feel very weighted. My heart is very heavy.

I miss him. I miss what this Christmas was supposed to be about.

I have done everything I can to try and make this season one where I can find hope.

I find small nuggets in the stocking stuffers in the mail, the amazing ornaments that hang on his tree, in the faces of Carter, Peyton and Jo.

I find love in the people who acutely aware of how badly I am hurting and they reach out to make sure I know I'm not alone.

Tonight at dinner, we were the only couple without our child at the table. You could see it on the waiter's face, "Why are they here with these kids and none of their own?" I so badly wanted to scream I do have a child. I just didn't get to keep him.

Had I known that we weren't going to get to raise Aidan here on earth, would I have loved him as much? Would I have protected my heart? Would I have saved some of my hopes and dreams?

No. Because I was blessed enough to hold perfection. I was blessed enough to be the one given the privilege to carry and deliver Aidan. I was chosen to be his mom. And just because his time on earth was short it will never diminish that he is my child, nor that I am not just a mom, but, his mom.

Because from the first moment I knew I was pregnant, he had all of me.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

It's where I'll start

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