East to West

"East To West"


"Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other"

There are days when it is just too big. The emotions are just too much. I can't see the borders.

The last two days have been like that. On the outside I guess I look pretty put together. The inside is a completely different story. Do I miss him? Of course. But, there is so much more about grief. The longing is so powerful.

What I long for....
* To hear Aidan cry
* To know the color of his eyes
* To know what others would have gotten him that would have been special just for him
* To not have some people afraid to share their babies with me
* To hear his heartbeat again
* To change his diaper
* To have a blog updating everyone on his latest achievements
* To see everyone's face as they meet my son for the first time. As they hold him and not pictures of him.

The list just goes on and on. The pain goes on and on. Life goes on and on.

The above song played on my way home tonight. It reminded me that while this period in my life is bigger than me, it's not bigger than God's embrace. From one scarred hand to another...