Not what I envisioned...

The sleepless nights. The emotional upheaval. The tears. The fear.

I thought I wouldn't sleep because I couldn't get comfortable. Not because the nightmares have returned.

I figured I would be a hormonal mess that everyone picked on. Not a grieving mother that makes people uncomfortable.

My tears would be of joy. They would be sweet. Now they flow steadily and are bitter and like salt in a wound. Each one a desire. A drop of my love.

I was supposed to be preparing for delivery and the firsts of being a first time parent. There is no balm to soothe these fears.

I imagined what these days would be. I'm watching them come to fruition in others. Mine are completely different.

The only thing that hasn't changed is God. He is my constant.

I found a picture tonight that reads, "Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead."

This is all I have. This is what has to carry me through.

The night before ramblings...

It's the eve before our first Thanksgiving as parents. The first major holiday as parents without our child.

Those two sentences should never coincide.

As time passes, the shock wears off. The physical pain of his birth has eased. Life has seemingly returned to normal.

For the rest of the world this is true. As his Momma it's just not so. The pain is searing. I am so raw and vulnerable. I have zero defenses left to protect myself. I will never forget Aidan.

Will you? In this time of giving thanks, spending time with loved ones, shopping madness, sparkle, twinkling lights and all the holidays encompass will you forget that 1/3 of my precious family is missing?

I fear this because he wasn't here for us to make previous holiday memories with. I don't have a stocking from Christmas past to hang. I won't sit at the table tomorrow and see the spot he filled. Instead I will notice the space not left for him.

It will be bittersweet. It will be hard.

But I will be thankful. I will be so gracious for the blessings in my life. I will praise God because he blessed my story with Aidan.

I am thankful for so many things. Most of all for the precious little boy I get to call my son.

And so it begins...

How did it get here so fast? I'm not ready. I'm not prepared.

It's that time of year. The holidays.

A time for family. A time for togetherness. A time of joy.

And this year it will be bittersweet. It will be a time spent remembering Aidan and the plans I had not so long ago. There will be stark reminders of what is missing. Is there a way to make is easier? I don't know.

I'm at a place where I don't always want to share Aidan. I have become very protective of him. When all you have left of someone are a few tangible items and memories, you become very protective. I have mama bear written all over me.

But, there will be moments when I will need to know that he is there. That others recognize that we are missing a vital piece of our family. Whether its a look, a hug, an ornament or something sentimental we will need and love to know that he is missed.

It all feels very different now. The idea of Thanksgiving and Christmas. The anticipation is different. This week begins a season I'm not sure how to navigate just yet. I'm taking it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

My heart hurts tonight. It's just not a fair world when the reminders of what is missing outnumber the reminders of the person who is missing. I cling tightly to the pictures that will never change. The blankets he will never be wrapped in again. The clothes he never got to wear. The bedding we never got to tuck into a crib.

Few people in this world truly know me. An even smaller group truly know Aidan. It is this group that brings me comfort. Allows me to grieve without restraint. Gives me the breathing room I need try and heal. It is this group that will help me get through what is coming.

I have been writing a list of things I am thankful for. I will share it all later in the week. This group is one of them though.