Not what I envisioned...

The sleepless nights. The emotional upheaval. The tears. The fear.

I thought I wouldn't sleep because I couldn't get comfortable. Not because the nightmares have returned.

I figured I would be a hormonal mess that everyone picked on. Not a grieving mother that makes people uncomfortable.

My tears would be of joy. They would be sweet. Now they flow steadily and are bitter and like salt in a wound. Each one a desire. A drop of my love.

I was supposed to be preparing for delivery and the firsts of being a first time parent. There is no balm to soothe these fears.

I imagined what these days would be. I'm watching them come to fruition in others. Mine are completely different.

The only thing that hasn't changed is God. He is my constant.

I found a picture tonight that reads, "Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead."

This is all I have. This is what has to carry me through.