Reflection

Six months ago tonight was the last night I knew true innocence.

Six months ago tonight, we celebrated. I spent a perfect day with Vos. I stood up for one of my dearest friends on her oh so special day. I was surrounded by so many that I hold near to my heart. My life seemed perfect. I had no idea what was coming.

This is the night that the uncomfortable ache set in on my back. This is the night that I endured, assuring myself I was just tired. This is the night I had no idea I could endure what was to come.

This is the night that changed everything. It is the night I went into labor.

SIX MONTHS.

These months have encompassed so much. I have hurt to my core. I have cried more tears than seems humanly possible. I have yearned for him with such ferocity. And still, I have loved more than ever. I have learned so very much. The laughter has been some of the most needed release. The opportunities that have been presented are way beyond my control and they continue to grow.

This time has been the most important and defining time of my life.

All because of a little boy with a huge legacy. The tiniest footprints have left a gigantic imprint.

Aidan has changed everything.

Because of him I have found this inner strength. I have found the importance of words. I have found my voice. That guy took a piece of me and in that hole, sheer determination has grown.

Each and everyday, I miss him. I miss who he was. Who he might have been.

And still, each day I experience him.

Moments

January 14th. A big day. An important day. The day that signaled the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

The day that never got to be, but turned into something else.

It was supposed to have been all about Aidan. It was supposed to be his entry into the world. A day in which Aidan lived.

Instead, it was a day about our lives without Aidan. A day more about the hopes and dreams that will not get to be. 

It was about more than just Aidan. It was about Evan and I. The decisions we have made since Aidan's birth and the direction our lives are headed. A day to acknowledge our loss and to be reminded of those who have lost before us and unfortunately, those who will lose after us. 

So, in my true form. I went a bit overboard. I got butterflies for the other babies. I got flowers and more flowers, a big pinwheel and balloons for Aidan. 

There are orange, yellow and green ones scattered throughout the cemetery. It turned out to be quite a scavenger hunt that added some humor and excitement to the celebration.

We each had a single carnation and one by one we placed them on Aidan. I managed to get a picture of everyone except my mom (she went first so I wasn't quick enough.)

Our group turned out to be quite large and so very special. Aidan had grandparents, a great-grandparent, aunts, uncles, aunties, friends, pastor, and even his friend Jo. All people who love him and have literally carried me through.

We then wrote messages to Aidan and sent the balloons heaven-bound. The wind was fierce so I wasn't able to get pictures.

BUT, that's what best friends are for. My beloved Boyd's got to bring Savannah home on Saturday. They managed to find the time to send A some balloons from Searcy and sent me not just a pic, but a video!



We took down the Christmas at A's spot and added some sunshine yellow tulips and a special elephant his Auntie Courtney made him.

It was tough day, but it was spent honoring and cherishing our blessed Aidan. There were the warmest most sincere hugs, some tears and lots of love. More love than I could have ever asked for.

I'm sure if you are reading this, you have figured out that music plays a huge part in my life. There are moments when the only thing that calms my heart and spirit is the simple melodies and heartfelt lyrics. I've got a new favorite at the moment. "Carry me to the Cross" by Kutless. The album comes out in February and I CANNOT wait. It is the perfect song for this journey. It is the perfect song for the past few days. I have cried more tears than I have in a long time. I have been hit with a lot of emotions. Yet, still I have made it. I am embracing what is to come.

Aidan Thomas

Not so very long ago,

I sat and wondered who you would be.

Not so very long ago,

I felt you kick and couldn't wait to have you here with me.

A short time ago,

I held you close and kissed your sweet face.

A short time ago,

I counted your toes and welcomed you to this place.

A short time ago,

I said hello and goodbye on the same day.

A short time ago,

My sweet boy you went to Heaven to play.

A short time ago,

My world shifted.

A short time ago,

Your name, Aidan Thomas was lifted.

Yesterday,

I cried for you and no one knew.

Yesterday,

The ones who thought of you were few.

Not so long ago,

They told me I was going to be a mom.

A short time ago,

I delivered you.

A short time ago,

I carried you home and said my final goodbye.

Yesterday,

I pretended to be ok and hid my tears.

Today,

I am your mom.

You are in heaven.

And I am missing you.







Time Warp

I went back in time for awhile tonight.

Dedmon/Speyer walked the halls of Cabot High again.

It was so strange. It was hallowed ground to us. Yet, it looks completely different. Our auditorium is gutted. There are buildings where we used to park our cars. Everything looks different. But everything felt the same.

Nostalgia at its purest form. Standing there with Jane, Ashley and Gwen. Looking at pictures of our former selves from ten years ago. Standing there with the one friend who has fought with me and for me the hardest. Standing there with my other half.

I was introduced as the Dedmon half. For just those instances we were just alumni. All of the baggage was left at the door. We were witnessing our legacy there.

And then there was this beautiful moment. This moment where Jane looked at me, hugged me and loved me. She loved me because she has known me for over 15 years and has watched me grow. She loves me now because I can't hide the pain.

Like all of the buildings on that campus, I have changed. I'm not that fresh faced naive girl anymore.

I've got scars. I've got a story to tell. It's not always happy. It's not always optimistic. It is filled with faith, grace and lots and lots of love.

I've grown up a lot. I've grown up more than I ever wanted to. But, deep down inside me she is still there. Like the memories in the auditorium, that precious side of me is still there. It may be down in the tip of my pinky toe, but its still there.

I just have to heal enough to let her resurface. No, I will never be the same. I will never go back to the old Tara. That Tara wasn't a mom. But, there are pieces of me that will resurface. I just have to deal with all of this other stuff first.

So, please. Have patience. Have faith. Have hope.

Patience in my grief. I cannot tell you when I will come out of it. Just know I am doing the best I can. Most days I cover it up so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable.

Faith in me. Faith that I will come out of this intact. Faith that my faith will endure.

Hope for a future. I am counting on your hope to inspire mine. I know it's in there. I just need some help finding it.

.

Beneath the glow of a tree sleeps love

It has been a long, dark, impossible day.

Why?

Because I will miss everything with Aidan. All of our firsts are our firsts without him. I will never watch him take his first step, hear the word Momma come from his perfect mouth, watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first day of school picture, cheer at his first game, get to play santa, easter bunny or the tooth fairy for the first time, scrutinize his first girlfriend, help him learn his first life lesson. I won't get to do any of these things.

Instead I will brace myself for our first Christmas without him, celebrate his first birthday at his grave, survive his due date for the first time, walk into a labor and delivery for the first time since our fateful trip.

And while I may get to do these things with my nephews or his brother/sister one day, I still won't get to do them with him.

So I talk about him, I sit in his room with his things, I decorate his spot. I know he isn't actually in any of these places. He is surrounded by glory. He is surrounded by beauty. He is waiting on me. But, I will always miss him. And these are how I express that. They are how I show a small part of my love.

Tonight I sit in our rocker. I have rocked Peyton. I have sung him the only lullaby I can remember because I used to sing it to Aidan. And now I watch him sleep beneath the glow of Aidan's Christmas tree.

And the tears come. Freely. Softly. Silently. The tears of surviving a hard week, our first holiday without, our first disagreement since August, our first night to keep one of our nephews overnight. Tears because I would do anything to have a crib beside me awaiting Aidan. Instead he is with God, awaiting my arrival one day.

Longing, Wishing...Loving

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but my Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

His absence is strong tonight. I long to have my uncomfortable pregnant belly. I long to wish him here already. I long for the kicks. I long for his heartbeat. I long for him.

The tears are in abundance. They flow easily and constant. The salt burns my raw eyes.

I wish I didn't hurt. I wish Evan didn't hurt. I wish we weren't those parents.

I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to stress. I don't want to shy away.

But this is the new life. The life I not only had no choice in but one I am expected to live fully. I try and that's all I can do. Promise to try.

I love my husband. I love how close we are to our immediate families and the friends who might as well be family. I love the safety we find in them. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. Therefore, I have to love this life.