Beneath the glow of a tree sleeps love

It has been a long, dark, impossible day.

Why?

Because I will miss everything with Aidan. All of our firsts are our firsts without him. I will never watch him take his first step, hear the word Momma come from his perfect mouth, watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first day of school picture, cheer at his first game, get to play santa, easter bunny or the tooth fairy for the first time, scrutinize his first girlfriend, help him learn his first life lesson. I won't get to do any of these things.

Instead I will brace myself for our first Christmas without him, celebrate his first birthday at his grave, survive his due date for the first time, walk into a labor and delivery for the first time since our fateful trip.

And while I may get to do these things with my nephews or his brother/sister one day, I still won't get to do them with him.

So I talk about him, I sit in his room with his things, I decorate his spot. I know he isn't actually in any of these places. He is surrounded by glory. He is surrounded by beauty. He is waiting on me. But, I will always miss him. And these are how I express that. They are how I show a small part of my love.

Tonight I sit in our rocker. I have rocked Peyton. I have sung him the only lullaby I can remember because I used to sing it to Aidan. And now I watch him sleep beneath the glow of Aidan's Christmas tree.

And the tears come. Freely. Softly. Silently. The tears of surviving a hard week, our first holiday without, our first disagreement since August, our first night to keep one of our nephews overnight. Tears because I would do anything to have a crib beside me awaiting Aidan. Instead he is with God, awaiting my arrival one day.

Fall Apart

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Strong. Courageous. Inspiring. How can I be any of these when all I feel is lost, abandoned and torn apart?

Faith. Because in the moments that I am falling apart God shines through. In the moments I have nothing left, God acts.

Surviving this week was just as hard as I anticipated. However, something happened that I didn't expect. I am so overwhelmingly thankful.

1. Evan. His strength. His ability to look at me and see through the facade. His determination to get me through the dark days. His love for Aidan.

2. Our families. They are our shelter. They have protected us and acted as our shield. They love us through.

3. Friends. People who call just because we popped in their heads and thought we might need some encouragement. They are our constant.

4. Hope. You never realize how valuable it is until it is gone.

5. Time. I have learned the hard way the need to cherish and make the most of every second.

6. Faith. My foundation. When everything cracks. When I break it is left. It is my strength. It is my core.

7. Aidan. That special part of my heart no one else will ever touch. My purpose. My sheer determination. My son.

Everyday I have written something to be thankful for. The above list is just the last seven days. As you can see, even on the darkest days, even when my heart feels as though it will never heal, even when you look at me and wonder if I will ever be ok, I have so much to be thankful for. I am beyond blessed.

The night before ramblings...

It's the eve before our first Thanksgiving as parents. The first major holiday as parents without our child.

Those two sentences should never coincide.

As time passes, the shock wears off. The physical pain of his birth has eased. Life has seemingly returned to normal.

For the rest of the world this is true. As his Momma it's just not so. The pain is searing. I am so raw and vulnerable. I have zero defenses left to protect myself. I will never forget Aidan.

Will you? In this time of giving thanks, spending time with loved ones, shopping madness, sparkle, twinkling lights and all the holidays encompass will you forget that 1/3 of my precious family is missing?

I fear this because he wasn't here for us to make previous holiday memories with. I don't have a stocking from Christmas past to hang. I won't sit at the table tomorrow and see the spot he filled. Instead I will notice the space not left for him.

It will be bittersweet. It will be hard.

But I will be thankful. I will be so gracious for the blessings in my life. I will praise God because he blessed my story with Aidan.

I am thankful for so many things. Most of all for the precious little boy I get to call my son.

And so it begins...

How did it get here so fast? I'm not ready. I'm not prepared.

It's that time of year. The holidays.

A time for family. A time for togetherness. A time of joy.

And this year it will be bittersweet. It will be a time spent remembering Aidan and the plans I had not so long ago. There will be stark reminders of what is missing. Is there a way to make is easier? I don't know.

I'm at a place where I don't always want to share Aidan. I have become very protective of him. When all you have left of someone are a few tangible items and memories, you become very protective. I have mama bear written all over me.

But, there will be moments when I will need to know that he is there. That others recognize that we are missing a vital piece of our family. Whether its a look, a hug, an ornament or something sentimental we will need and love to know that he is missed.

It all feels very different now. The idea of Thanksgiving and Christmas. The anticipation is different. This week begins a season I'm not sure how to navigate just yet. I'm taking it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.

My heart hurts tonight. It's just not a fair world when the reminders of what is missing outnumber the reminders of the person who is missing. I cling tightly to the pictures that will never change. The blankets he will never be wrapped in again. The clothes he never got to wear. The bedding we never got to tuck into a crib.

Few people in this world truly know me. An even smaller group truly know Aidan. It is this group that brings me comfort. Allows me to grieve without restraint. Gives me the breathing room I need try and heal. It is this group that will help me get through what is coming.

I have been writing a list of things I am thankful for. I will share it all later in the week. This group is one of them though.

Longing, Wishing...Loving

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but my Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

His absence is strong tonight. I long to have my uncomfortable pregnant belly. I long to wish him here already. I long for the kicks. I long for his heartbeat. I long for him.

The tears are in abundance. They flow easily and constant. The salt burns my raw eyes.

I wish I didn't hurt. I wish Evan didn't hurt. I wish we weren't those parents.

I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to stress. I don't want to shy away.

But this is the new life. The life I not only had no choice in but one I am expected to live fully. I try and that's all I can do. Promise to try.

I love my husband. I love how close we are to our immediate families and the friends who might as well be family. I love the safety we find in them. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. I love Aidan. Therefore, I have to love this life.

What do I know?

Usually when I am called to write I start with a blank page and just empty my brain. No order, no reasoning. It's just something that has to come out. Tonight is different. Tonight the title came and I had no idea what God was trying to get me to write about. Until I was driving home.

I made You promises a thousand times
(Bargain. I would bargain with God for the good things. I thought if I made promises he would bless me.)
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
(This is a huge fault of mine. I talk all the time. Too much. I have to speak it outloud to understand the impact.)
I think I made You too small
(In trying to have a relationship with God I tried to make him my equal.)
I never feared You at all No
(I had no reason to fear. I was blessed.)
If You touched my face would I know You?
(How many times was it God and I didn't realize? How many times did I miss him?)
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(How many people did God send my way that I overlooked?)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(I thought I had it all figured out.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(How many opportunties have I missed because of fear?)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Do you burn hot with love? Anger? Jealousy?)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(If we are made in your image, how can any of us not be?)
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(Everyday I am learning more I think.)
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
(Yes. I thought I had it all figured out.)
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
(I thought you would save me from heartache. I thought you would save me from myself. I never dreamed you would save me when I lost my son. You saved me because he couldn't be.)
Those were only empty words on a page
(It's easy to memorize and quote passages. It's much harder to live those words.)
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
(I looked at Aidan and knew he was a part of you.)
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(Not having my son with me has rocked my world. It has shaken me to the core. I fell but not on my face. To my knees.)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(Everyday I am trying to soak you in. Giving it all to you.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(You lead me into unknown circumstances, but you are by my side.)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Instead of anger is it passion?)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(Yes. You are. You gave me a glimpse in Aidan.)
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(I know the presence. I know the power. And that isn't even the beginning of it.)
What do I know of Holy?
(Opening my heart, yearning to know more.)
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
(You take them and you feel the pain. You want me to heal.)
And a God who gave life "its" name?
(You intrusted me with Aidan. You still do.)
What do I know of Holy?
(It's peace. It's grace.)
Of the One who the angels praise?
(You are holding my son until I can again. You have him.)
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
((Who better to trust Aidan with?)
What do I know of this love?
(I know what I feel for Aidan. He feels that times 1,000 for me. He doesn't want me to hurt.)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(You knew my son before I did. You love him like I do.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(Bravely I take a step forward each day. A step into the unknown.)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Your passion is mine.)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(Sacred. Beautiful.)
What do I know?
(Very little.)
What do I know of Holy?
(Trust)
What do I know of Holy?
(Love)
What do I know of Holy?
(Faith in you. In myself.)

Driving down the road. Ipod on shuffle. A song comes on and through the darkness God speaks. Thankfully, I have started listening. Finally. I am searching for him all the time. And always he catches me off guard. Tonight he spoke through lyrics. I have no idea why this song is on my playlist. I'm not sure I have ever heard it before. But, there it was. There he was. Aidan has done so much to my relationship with God. He has been the biggest test. Yet, he has drawn me the closest.

Praise You in This Storm

Rain. Thunder. Lightening. Ongoing since I woke up this morning. Even now I hear the rain and thunder rumbling. Storms usually provoke anxiety in me.

Except for today. The storm has been constant. Almost a comfort. Because it matches my insides. The tears are never ending and overflow the rain gauge. The fears, doubts and anger are clashing together as the thunder. The pain sears like lightening flashes.

For the first time, I felt like the outside matched the inside.

Dark, dreary, and comforting.

And yet still, glimpses of joy found their way.

A perfect baby boy was born. A new family is experiencing so much tonight. So much it makes my heart swell. So much that I totally understand and so much that I long to feel again.

And my sweet Savannah finally showed us her beautiful face in an ultrasound. She is the closest thing I have to Aidan. She is scheduled to be here two days before his due date. Her Momma is carrying me through. Just as we carried and planned for our babies together now she carries me. And it is because of her love that I can feel the true joy of Savannah. I can't wait to hold her in my arms. I can't wait to share that moment with Em. Because she has been there for me. All of the moments. She held Aidan's monitor. She held Aidan. She held me.

It is pouring. It is thundering. And yet, I will praise you in this storm.