Is love alive?

If I compare this Christmas to last Christmas, nothing has changed. Yet, nothing is the same.

We spent it with the same family members for another blessed year.

 We were blessed. If you compare last years pictures to this years, you would think that 2011 had been a peaceful small year. We have all aged, but we are all still here.

Of course, none of that is true. 2011 was a big year. It was a defining year. And everything has changed.

Aidan would have been front and center (or at least my 37 week stomach would have been). Instead he was remembered. He was quietly observed. He was missed beyond words.

I don't even know where to start. I really don't think I have any words to describe our Christmas without him. I did everything I could to make him present. To make him apart of our Christmas and we are so blessed by all who allowed us.

We were given several gifts just for him.

Aunt Mika had this made. It is the poem from his program.

His Papa got me an elephant charm for my bracelet.

His Nana found him some pinwheels

His Memaw found this beautiful Snowbaby

Aunt Bre captured the Christmas Morning sky

And on Christmas Eve day, this bloomed.

A few weeks ago, I made a request. I asked for anyone to do a good deed in Aidan's memory. Then to write it down and send it to us. I then put them all in his stocking. Now, I am not very good at surprises, but this I did. I didn't read a single one until Christmas morning.

And boy did you guys give me something special. You truly are some amazing people.

Because, you see, money was donated to the March of Dimes, breakfast was bought for a stranger, gas money was given to a woman in need, hair donated for someone who can't grow their own, snacks given to families at a Ronald McDonald House, toys bought for children who would have otherwise had a very lonely Christmas and money was donated to a clinic in Alaska. All because you cared enough to give me a moment to be a mom and be proud of my little boy. That was my Christmas Joy.

Christmas felt so different this year. God feels so different this year.

Every year we hear the Christmas story from the gospels. This year of all years, we heard it from the book of John.

¹ In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome^[a] it.

 ⁶ There was a man sent from God whose name was John. ⁷ He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. ⁸ He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
 ⁹ The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. ¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹ He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
 ¹⁴ The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

And in Isaiah 9:6

 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given. 

This year was very very different. It was also very special. Hearing the Christmas story often takes me right back to Aidan's delivery. The fear that Mary felt. The worry of Joseph. The unexpected entry into this world. The peace of the night. All take me right back to September 4th, 2011.

So, while this season was not what I dreamed of. It was not what I would have chosen. It WAS special. It was all about Jesus. It showed me that love is alive. 

All of me

We are in the midst of Christmas.

I am struggling.

I do what everything I feel I should do. I show up where I think I am wanted.

The days feel very weighted. My heart is very heavy.

I miss him. I miss what this Christmas was supposed to be about.

I have done everything I can to try and make this season one where I can find hope.

I find small nuggets in the stocking stuffers in the mail, the amazing ornaments that hang on his tree, in the faces of Carter, Peyton and Jo.

I find love in the people who acutely aware of how badly I am hurting and they reach out to make sure I know I'm not alone.

Tonight at dinner, we were the only couple without our child at the table. You could see it on the waiter's face, "Why are they here with these kids and none of their own?" I so badly wanted to scream I do have a child. I just didn't get to keep him.

Had I known that we weren't going to get to raise Aidan here on earth, would I have loved him as much? Would I have protected my heart? Would I have saved some of my hopes and dreams?

No. Because I was blessed enough to hold perfection. I was blessed enough to be the one given the privilege to carry and deliver Aidan. I was chosen to be his mom. And just because his time on earth was short it will never diminish that he is my child, nor that I am not just a mom, but, his mom.

Because from the first moment I knew I was pregnant, he had all of me.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

It's where I'll start 

Keep on, Keeping on....

The past two weeks have been one big giant lesson.

The kind of lessons that we all learn at some point in our lives. Only when you are seeing the world through a new lens you have to learn them all again.

This one? Learn to roll with the punches. Let if roll off of you. Keep on, keeping on.

Two weeks. In two weeks this tilt-a-whirl of year really kicked into gear.

1. Evan drops and 5 gallon glass jar. It shatters. He cuts his finger down to the bone. Stitches to close the wound.
2. Monsoon rains. Aidan's three month birthday. Real plans to celebrate him with others who get it. Momma hydroplanes and all plans are thrown out the window.
3. Other vehicle's engine blown.
4. Evan's stitches are removed. Dr. fears there is damage to the tendon.
5. Specialist appointment, surgery scheduled. Two scenarios are given. One has a recovery period of a week. The other is 8-12 weeks plus therapy.
6. Surgery day. (Today) Much longer than anyone anticipated. Guess which scenario we are now facing? Yep, because 2011 just had to get another dig. We are looking 8-12 weeks of Evan being one handed and then therapy.

Do you see? 13 days. 6 of them were ROUGH.

And now, Christmas starts tomorrow. Aagh. I can hear the waves calling. The beach is beckoning.

Maybe on another day I will do a 2011 recap. And maybe not. I'm not sure I can relive it all.

Never have I been more ready for a new year.

But, that brings Aidan's due date. Not even going there yet...

For now, I am making sure Ev stays on med schedule and trying to help him maintain some sort of independence.

I do manage to find happy. I find God, even on days like today. Today, it came in the mail.

An ornament from Hawaii and a good deed for his stocking. I can't tell you what good it did my spirits to see his name written by others. That is the sweetest gift. Someone saying or writing his name.

So, I'm rolling with the punches. I'm trying to just let it roll it off. I'm keeping on.

Christmas Joy

Christmas.

Three months ago I envisioned what these days would look like. The anticipation. The sparkle. The joy.

Christmas.

I have been afraid of the days to come. I have been afraid of my emotions. What if I can't find the joy in this season?

Christmas.

I was worried about decorating the tree. Check!

I was worried about Christmas shopping because I wanted to be buying for Aidan. I'm 98% done and actually had fun.

I'm stuck in a place of hiding my pain so as not to suck all of the joy out of a room and hurting so badly there are moments it bubbles over.

And, then I heard this.

Compassionate God, we ask that you free us from the darkness that traps us in our sadness. We ask the words to be spoken even when we cannot express them ourselves. Our experience of Christmas has changed because of a death or loss or physical or mental illness. We used to look forward to this time of year, too, but now we only feel like we are outside looking in on the joy. Bring back the joy.

The holiday season reminds us of what used to be. But the celebration of Your Son's birth...the real Christmas...reminds us of hope and promise. Please be near us during this season.

I attended the "Hope for the Holidays" Service with Emily today. This was not only said, but also written in the bulletin. Just for me. And you.

To me, it validated and assured. To Em, it was a window into my world.

The first service opened me up. The music pierced me. It left me raw and in an emotional upheaval.

The Hope Service took it all. It took the darkness of these days and acknowledged that I do and will struggle with our days without Aidan. And then I lit a candle to remind me that Jesus is the light. He is the lamp unto my feet. The guiding light along this path of darkness. My beacon of hope.

And then I was able to attend the Joy of Christmas and actually feel pieces of that joy. Because I had acknowledged the pain and learned that I'm not expected to be perfect now. By embracing the darkness my eyes adjusted and I can see the glow of light within it all.

I have a new goal. It's not just to survive. It's to celebrate all that we have and those precious moments we were given with Aidan. Most importantly, we will celebrate that Aidan is at the greatest birthday party and because that baby boy was born in a manger I will get to hold Aidan again. And that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

There is something you can do!

Since Aidan's birth people have asked, "What can I do?" I haven't had an answer until now. And it is perfect timing.

Christmas is going to be hard. It's going to have this bittersweet twinge because in all of the joy there will be someone missing. There won't be gifts for or in anticipation of Aidan. A fellow baby loss mom has given me inspiration.

There is something each and every person can do. In Aidan's memory, to make us smile, to include our son in this season.

Please help us fill Aidan's stocking. I have been nervous about hanging one for him. Now, I can't wait.

Here is the idea.

For the month of December do one nice thing for someone else. Something out of the box. Do it in Aidan's memory or because he inspired it. Then write it down and mail it to us. We will put the unopened things in his stocking and open them Christmas morning. This way we will have surprises with Aidan and hopefully a lot of good was done in the Christmas season!

Our address is:

Evan and Tara Finney
627 Woodland Dr.
Benton, AR 72019

I love that this will help spread Aidan's legacy in such a simple way. To kick it off I have Aidan's tree up and decorated so far. We have also decorated his spot. It's simple, but I it seems fitting.

Aidan's 1st Elephant

2011 Elephant

His Disney Ornament from Aunt Mika

I found this and had to have it. It's perfect.

Auntie Courtney took one of his shells from visitation and made a perfect ornament for his tree.

Nana found one with his name spelled correctly!

His growing tree

We don't have his headstone yet, but I think it looks nice.

My sweet boy.

And today was another milestone for this Momma. I ventured into my first labor and delivery unit since Aidan's birth. I held Aidan's first friend...Zachary James. I counted all ten toes and snuggled and loved him. It was bittersweet. I so ache to have Aidan to snuggle, but am so thankful that Zach is here safe and sound. He's a perfect full term baby. There's nothing better.

It made me wish so badly to have him again. I am so thankful to have pictures of the precious moments we were granted with him.