The connections

Life these days is such an oxymoron.

Some days, I feel completely removed. I am afraid that all of the connections I once had in the world have been severed. There are moments where I feel lost. Moments where I just have to smile and fake it. Convince myself and everyone around me that I'm doing "better." That I am fine with living without Aidan. That my world is setting itself back in the upright position.

Other days, I find these crazy connections. Connections with friends and family who reach out and get it. They may not actually understand how I feel, but they allow me to be. A hand is extended and suddenly I'm not so alone.

Then there are the connections that are made because of Aidan. Not in spite of him.

When I hear of another mom, my instinct is to reach out. Our children bind us.

A connection has been growing. It started with a brick. Then grew to March of Dimes. And now, has brought me a part of someone who unexpectedly passed two years ago. Danny. My sweet teddy bear of a cousin. Our hearts were broken when he passed that June morning.

And now, he is allowing me another connection. His love. His smile. His music. His smell. Oh his smell. (If you knew Danny, you know what I'm talking about)

His legacy. Aidan's legacy.

I admitted for the first time tonight a dream I keep having. A comforting dream. I don't get those very often. I have kept this one to myself.

Every so often, I see Danny. In his button up shirt, straw hat and it looks like he is holding his banjo. Only when I run up to hug him, he's holding Aidan. He smiles that smile. His eyes glisten. He tells me how proud he is of my son. And then they just walk away together. And I feel peace.

I am so thankful for the glimpses of heaven that come in dreams. I am so thankful for the connections that our loved ones leave behind. I am just so thankful.