What it means to have carried you.

Spring of 2011 was pretty rough on me. I had been diagnosed with gastroparesis. I had had a minor surgery. Every 30 days brought a new cocktail of medications. I'd had a severe kidney infection from E. Coli.

On Thursday May 26th, my blood pressure sky rocketed. My pulse was high. Something was just very off. It took Mom, Ev and the girls at work to convince me to go to the ER. So there we sat. They had me hooked up to cardiac monitors. Dad was on his way.

The Dr walked in and made Ev and Mom leave. I was sure she was going to tell me I was having a heart attack. Instead, she told me I was pregnant.

Every monitor in the room went off. Mom and E came back. Mom could tell by the look on my face. Evan didn't speak for two days I think. To say we were shocked was an understatement.

I was carrying our first child.

I have never cherished or loved my body as much as I did that summer. I was amazed at every change. I couldn't believe it was finally my turn. I was immediately a mom. Until we knew the sex, the baby was our Olive. We joked that it would have to be Oliver or Olivia. As my bump grew, the love for this child just intensified. It wasn't just me. There were so many who loved and doted on us. So many were so excited to get to meet our sweet one.

We never imagined how it would end. How can you?

I went to the ER that day thinking something was wrong with my heart.

Instead my heart was changed.

It started to love. It had to feel all of that love so that I could survive the loss to come.

I will never ever regret carrying Aidan.

And even though my arms are empty, I still carry him.

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you   

Carrying Aidan