The Truth

The call finally happened.

Aidan's stone is ready. We are meeting them at his spot tomorrow afternoon.

And in this new normal, it is a big day.

I won't call it a happy day, but it is a big day.

It is his name etched in stone.

It is the last act as a parent that I get to do just for him.

It is awful.

There are so many more things I am supposed to be able to do for him. I am supposed to be crying when he gets his well baby shots. I am supposed to cheer him on as he goes mobile. I am supposed to laugh as he discovers his fingers and toes. I am supposed to be sitting here cuddling him after a long day at work.

I live with all of the suppose to's every single day. Most days, I just don't voice them.

Instead I focus on the blessings. Aidan is the biggest blessing.

And tomorrow, they are erecting a stone with his name on it for all to see. So that is a blessing.

The thoughts are polar opposite and at the same time linear.

They are both the truth. Just different aspects of the same truth.

The truth about grief is loaded. It all shades of grey. It is hard. It inspiring.

And if you let it, it is full of God's grace and mercy. 

I have the peace of knowing Aidan is with him. Aidan is surrounded by perfection.

I feel God's grace in all of the people who still check on us, send us random bits of love, remember and love Aidan.

I have learned so much about compassion, empathy, God's love. All through the mercy God has extended me in the darkness. He takes my doubts, he takes my fear, he takes the darkness and ALWAYS extends a ray of light.

I am learning more and more everyday that I still have the capacity to hope.  

And while Aidan may be our elephant, he is also our truth.

It's The Elephant In The Room
And We Pretend That We Don't See It.
It's The Avalanche That Looms Above Our Heads.
And We Don't Believe It.

Tryin' To Be Perfect
Tryin' Not To Let You Down
Honesty Is Honestly The Hardest Thing For Me Right Now
While The Floors Underneath Our Feet Are Crumbling
The Walls We Built Together Tumblin'
I Still Stand Here Holdin' Up The Roof
Cause It's Easier Than Telling The Truth.

Stop Ignoring That Our Hearts Are Mourning
And Let The Rain Come In.
Stop Pretending That It's Not Ending
And Let The End Begin.

Excerpt from "The Truth" by Kris Allen