I really wanted to do it right. I wanted to convey that even in the darkness there are beautiful moments of peace and hope. Here is what I came up with.
Jeremiah 29:11
I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Life changes in an instant. In the time it takes to answer your phone, shut a door, or look at an ultrasound picture.
In the instant we heard the words, “It’s a boy”, a future was planned. Hope bloomed and our lives were forever changed. We were going to be parents.
Just weeks later, time stood still. I was going into premature labor. It was too early for our precious boy to survive outside of my body. And just like that, we were making different plans. Our hearts were broken. Our lives were forever and inexplicably changed.
In the immediate days and weeks, we were surrounded. People were constantly coming by, bringing us food and sending us words of encouragement. We were being upheld by those who hold us close; those who could physically enfold us into their arms and ensure for that second that we were safe.
As time passed, we had to learn how to care for ourselves. We had to trust in this new path that had been laid before us. It was in these days that I was truly beginning to be able to process our loss and to try and understand what role God was playing in this.
Did he take Aidan from me? Did he look down and choose that I would be the one that would live without?
I searched and read and learned. I poured myself and all of my grief into my faith. And then, it hit me. I wasn’t alone. God had walked this path ahead of me. He was carrying me through familiar territory. And at the end of this journey, there is a promise. A promise of hope.
I will see Aidan again. I will hold him again.
I will get to rock Aidan and sing him his lullaby one day because Jesus went before him. God sacrificed his son so that one day, I will get to hold my own again.
So, on the darkest of days, I hold onto that. I search for the hope and peace that is promised and I put one foot in front another. I find the strength to share Aidan’s story. I allow Aidan’s impact to change me. I listen for God’s guidance.
I am a mother. I am the mother of a child in heaven. Aidan is surrounded by glory and peace. One day I will embrace and love him like not a moment has passed; all because of a God who loves so deeply he sacrificed his son to ensure that we were never alone or without his hope.
“I want to take a moment to thank you, Lord. Thank you for all of the blessings in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be Aidan’s mom. Thank you for your promises and for the assurance of being reunited one day in your glory. Thank you for walking this path before me. Thank you for showing your hope for me in the darkest of days. In your name, Amen”
Today was a big day on this journey. It was the first step on what will be a giant leap of faith. Prayers were heard and were answered. We have been blessed with the ability and hope of a rainbow amidst this storm. There is hope that one day we will get to bring home a sibling for Aidan. I still cannot say the words out loud without crying.
Tears of relief. Tears of joy. Tears of hope.
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